Rex Hohlbein 0:00

As is the case with most of our episodes, this podcast contains potentially sensitive topics and strong language listener discretion is advised. Hello, everyone. Before we get started, we'd like to let you know that this is the last part of a three part episode called the skipping rock. If you have not already listened to parts one and two, we do recommend that you go back and begin at the beginning. While not necessary, it will give greater meaning to this third and final part of the story. Additionally, we want to let you know that I'll be sitting down with Casey for a follow up conversation, we're excited about the opportunity to share input from the audience with her. If after listening to the three episodes, you have comments or questions, please submit them to us on the episode page at you know me now.com. And with that, let's begin.

Casey 1:00

I think this goes for anyone that may be out in the streets struggling, or a family member or a friend of someone is that as long as there is literal breath in your lungs, there is hope for a whole new future. And if you don't see that, and you don't realize it or in your if you're in such a dark place that all hope seems lost. Let me have that out for you. You know, let this be hope.

Rex Hohlbein 1:38

I'm rexhall by and welcome to you know me now, a podcast conversation that strives to amplify the unheard voices in our community. In these episodes, I want to remind all of our listeners that the folks who share here, do so with a great deal of vulnerability and courage. They share a common hope that by giving all of us a window into their world, they're opening an increased level of awareness, understanding, and perhaps most importantly, a connection within our own community. In this third part of Casey's story, we cover some of the most traumatic events of her life. She admits openly that due to the heavy drug use trauma and instability during this time, she has gaps in her memory, making it difficult to connect everything together. Yeah,

Casey 2:32

this time of my life was pretty traumatic. I can't lay out a clear timeline of this time of my life because everything is so broken and choppy. And there's gaps everywhere. So I just try to piece it together as much as I can.

Rex Hohlbein 2:52

Rather than tell this chapter of Casey's life in a chronological order, as we usually try to do, we've decided to bring forward events or even just moments that best express what Casey was going through. As a young woman living homeless, heavily addicted and working in the sex trade. She was just trying to survive. Through these events, we will continue to explore the idea of choice. When we left Casey in the last episode, in part two, she was heavily addicted to street drugs, so much so that she was no longer able to dance at the strip clubs. This not only robbed her income, it took away her sense of being in community. Now that that was gone, she was trapped in an increasingly vicious cycle of doing drugs to be able to do the sex work. So she could make the money to pay for the drugs that she was taking to do the sex work.

Casey 3:55

I still had a lot of clientele from the strip club, I had regular customers that were still wanting to see me and still stayed in contact with me. And so I began to make money that way, that way, by just meeting them in person, and going on dates with them. That was working. It was working really well. And I already knew these guys already had a good relationship with them. I trusted them I knew I was safe. And so that really opened up the door for more of career escorting, you could say

Rex Hohlbein 4:36

Casey was also using a new at the time website called Backpage a now defunct place online where one could find all sorts of products and services that were not exactly legal.

Casey 4:50

Backpage was a website that you could post pictures of ourselves you would post ads are almost like a Craigslist for selling sex, we would have to say things in code. And so we would advertise it as a date or spending time with someone. And then we would quote the price in amount of roses. That was how we kind of slid under the radar. As far as law enforcement. It was easy to post, you never knew what kind of people were going to reach out to you there, it was pretty sketchy. And I think that there were, you know, some dangerous things that happened, some dangerous people that that were prowling on Backpage and using it as a means to rape and murder women that would otherwise kind of just go unnoticed. I think that my time in the strip club really, you know, gave me that training of how to how to read people. And so I had a very high meter or instinct for when things were off or someone wasn't presenting themself accurately. Anytime I had the slightest hint of uncertainty about someone I would call it off, I wasn't willing to risk my life for for $1.

Rex Hohlbein 6:28

At one point, Casey reconnected with her mom finding common ground in an unexpected way.

Casey 6:33

My mom had a car that she was selling, and I asked her, if I could buy it. She She said, Yes, you can buy it. And I had given her some payments for it. But as the months went on, she began to ask questions. And she was asking, you know, how? How are you able to afford this? Where are you making money. Now, at that time, I was living in a hotel, or I was like, bouncing from house to house or just couch surfing. And my mom had let me sleep on her couch for a couple of weeks. And so I felt safe enough to open up to her and let her know what I was doing. I didn't know how she was going to respond to it. I thought she was going to get really mad at me and tell me to leave or and take the car away. Or you know, who knows. But she was really open and receptive to it, and accepting of it. And almost validated what I was doing, escorting and said that, you know, she had done that when she was my age and that it was okay. She was really curious about the details of what my day to day life wore in going to these appointments and meeting these guys and the money that I was bringing in. I remember it almost seemed like she was excited about it. It was the first time in a long time that I had been on the same page with my mom, almost like supported by my mom. And she sat down and said she wanted to help manage my schedule in the money that was coming in. She said she wanted to make sure that she was getting paid. I was glad because I felt that my mom and I were finally bonding over something after such a tumultuous relationship that was just awful. I think I'd always wanted just that mother daughter bond in so we connected over this. It was just a twisted idea of of love and acceptance. It hurts because it makes me realize how broken she was and how she lacked the ability to be a mom. And I don't think she was ever taught how to love and how to nurture and how to care for a child because she was never loved and nurtured and cared for as a child. People have twisted ways of showing and receiving love when they don't know what love is. And I just realized like, Yeah, my mom was basically pimping me.

Rex Hohlbein 9:57

As you can imagine, this arrangement did not last long. Both Casey and her mother were once again, struggling living under the same roof, their substance addictions, making things worse. Casey moved out back out onto the streets living north of Seattle, anywhere between Marysville shoreline and Bothell.

Casey 10:21

You know, we're always trying to find somewhere warm to stay, trying to stay indoors, trying to say stay safe, and high. You know, and one of the ways to stay safe and warm is to be high when you're outside because your body temperature rises. And if you're high, depending on what you're high on, you stay awake. And so if you're awake at night, you're not like vulnerable to other people committing crimes on you. It's always dangerous out there, do a lot of rape. There's a lot of like physical abuse, domestic violence, especially against women. There's a It's dangerous out there for a woman. There was a period of time where we were just hearing about girls that we knew they were being found in dumpsters dead. I remember often thinking like, I hope that I don't end up in a dumpster. I hope that I'm not found in a dumpster. It was so close to us. It was just so normal. And those things aren't normal. But I think it's hard to make sense of what's normal. And what's not when you're out there. And all these things are happening all around you. I knew for safety, you always had someone with you. So you usually you always have a guy with you someone that can protect you. You buddy up you pair up. One of my first introductions. It was like an unsanctioned homeless encampment up in Everett. So we were in this tent, it was dark, and we're in the woods. And there's other tents and people camping all around us. And all of a sudden, I just started hearing like blood curdling screams, coming from the camp from a woman in a tent that was nearby. And she was screaming, and she was just crying and saying, Please stop, please stop, please stop. Whatever was going on with her, whether she was being beaten, raped, whatever was happening, I was not okay with just standing by and listening to that happen. So I started to unzip the tent and leave and the guys with said, What are you doing? I said, we have to go help her. And he said, No, you don't get involved, because you'll end up dead. I was in that moment that I realized, there's different laws out here in the streets. There's a you live by a different code. Anyone is expendable. Unless you have something that's a value, which is a really stressful way to live like you. You can never rest, you can never relax. Because you're always waiting for the next awful thing to happen. It's so dangerous to be a woman out there.

Rex Hohlbein 13:37

What are the choices Casey made early on while living homeless was to start selling drugs. She explains this to us in terms of respect, reputation and survival.

Casey 13:50

Having a reputation as someone who keeps to their word doesn't steal, and isn't shady, right? Like, you got to be someone that's mentally strong. That was part of the reason why I started selling drugs is because I knew that I would gain respect and I would gain better reputation first having something of value that people wanted. And secondly, just proving that I was worth more than just trash on the street.

Rex Hohlbein 14:25

Through drug dealing, Casey was able to develop relationships with ever more powerful and respected people. And in return, she received respect and most importantly, protection. There

Casey 14:38

was this one drug dealer that I like I was just really in his good graces. And I don't think that it started out that way. I think it just started out like I was someone that could sell drugs. And so he kept me around. And so he had these two little kids. He had two boys that lived with him. You was a busy guy. And I would spend a lot of time over there. And I ended up just connecting with those kids and spending time with the kids. These little boys just brought me so much joy. I would watch the kids, I would take them to the park, I would buy them, I would buy them food, I would cook for them. I ended up being basically like a full time nanny. And he was paying me in dope.

Rex Hohlbein 15:33

For those who don't know, when Casey says dope, she is referring to heroin

Casey 15:37

actually ended up being a pretty good gig. For me. Like it was a pretty nice and pleasant time in my life, because I had a place to stay I had enough dope to get by. I was fed, I had comfortable surroundings, and then these kids that just gave me like, I felt like I purpose. And they were pretty misbehaved when I first started watching them. But what I realized is these kids really just needed someone to pay attention to them, I needed someone to invest in them, and someone to love them and discipline them. I think they were not discipline. And so part of love is discipline, right. And so I really took on this role of almost like a mother to them. And I saw those boys transform into really well behaved kids. Someone was caring about them, instead of just letting them run amok. Because I was living with such a like big time drug dealer, my, my habit grew, you know, and it just grew and grew and grew. I was doing heroin at this time. And he was just waking me up and giving me like a ball of heroin at a time, which is a significant amount. Going through a ball of heroin a day is insane.

Rex Hohlbein 17:16

When Casey was working her escorting hustle, she had her regulars providing steady income. On one hand, she often got to stay in these posh, high end hotels in downtown Seattle. But on the other hand, the work was stressful, unpredictable, and sometimes dangerous. The power dynamic was never in Casey's favor. I

Casey 17:39

was with my client. He was one of my regulars. I had known him for years, he was married. And he was in the middle of getting a divorce because he was not a good husband. And obviously, he was cheating on his wife. And he wanted me to be his girlfriend, his new wife. And I didn't want that. He had me at Embassy Suites. We were staying there. He was trying to like, romance me and swing me into being in a relationship with him. And I said, No. And he was mad that I wouldn't be in a relationship with him. I said, you know, I'm just gonna go. And we, you know, just give me the money that you owe me. And I'll go, and we'll just be done. And he wouldn't, he wouldn't give me the money because he wanted me to stay. And I was fed up, not going to deal with this shit anymore. I'm tired of men, controlling me, and abusing me and manipulating me and using me and forcing me to do things that I don't want to do. I just want to be my own person and make my own decisions and feel the way that I feel and have the people around me Be okay with it. So as at the end of my rope, I was so fed up with the mistreatment that I had experienced from all the men in my life. And I just I lost it. I say you're gonna give me the money, and I'm gonna go and if not, you're going to be sorry. And I don't remember what he said. But just some smartass remark of like, what are you going to do? I just charged him. And I just started punching him and beating him. I was just fighting to be heard. No one valued, what I wanted or what I had to say And no one honored the choices that I wanted to make for my life, I was tired of having my voice suppressed and muted. So I just, you know, I got violent about it. And so he called the cops on me. And the cops came, and I was the one that got arrested. And you know, people don't look at the whole picture. And I don't think law enforcement sees the whole picture. Because when I look at that scenario, I see a victim of a long time of abuse and trauma that needs help, and needs to be heard, and needs to be seen, I need someone to advocate for her. And a perpetrator that is using and abusing and taking advantage and can hide behind it with his job, with his name, with his money with his car, and all the things that he has to make him look like an upstanding citizen. That happened often where I would get arrested for something that I was just trying to survive. The police would never hear my side of the story. Because I already had a criminal record. I was addicted to drugs, I had this reputation once and you're in the system is just like, oh, it's easy to just charge you. And they'll believe that, you know, you did the thing. I have a lot of charges on my record for things that I did. But there's more to the story than what the charge says. Casey

Rex Hohlbein 21:59

tried to find ways to get the upper hand on the streets, it was a constant uphill battle. And the choices she made were from an ever diminishing number of options. And those options more often than not, were at the expense of someone else.

Casey 22:16

I was really tired of working and turning tricks, I was just tired of it. You know, it's exhausting. It's not, it doesn't feed your soul, it doesn't make you feel valuable. It doesn't lift your sense of self worth. You know, after you're seeing the same customer for so many years, they wanted a better deal and a better deal. You know, they want more bang for their buck. They either want you to do more, or they want to pay less. And so you find yourself doing things that is below your standard, right? Like when you get into this business, you're like, This is my standard, this is my price for this, this is what I'm worth. But you end up having to compromise that to stay in business, or you find new clientele. Which isn't always the easiest thing to do. There were young girls that used to hang out at the dope house. In the streets, we call them a backhoe is a term for a girl that just hangs around the drug dealer or whoever has the dope to just get high in use him for his drugs and usually plays like a girlfriend role. Just a backhoe. So there was a bunch of those girls at the at the house. And they didn't make money. And all they wanted to do was get high and they didn't have a hustle in the streets. And they saw me come in with cash all the time, buying lots of drugs, not having to, like come to the dope house and hang out and hold myself off for a hit, you know. So they started to kind of gravitate towards me. And they were curious about what I was doing, how I had this money. They I think they looked up to me. And what ended up happening was, I offered them a job. They wanted to make money. They wanted to learn a hustle. They wanted to get out of you know the situation they were in, they wanted to be independent and have their own dope. And so I said, come with me and I will show you the ropes, I will take you under my wing, I'll take better care of you than this dude. And I have clientele. You don't have to risk anything, because I already know the guys that I'm going to bring you to. And I know that they're safe. And so I started bringing these girls, to my clients. And instead of me having to compromise my value and standard, I would present to them this new girl, this fresh, young opportunity. It just seemed like a good deal for everyone. Everyone was happy. They were fine with doing what they needed to do. They walked away with their own bag of dope, and some cash. I got paid because I'm gonna get my cut. Because that's my customer. And then my client was happy. Because he got to taste something new. I mean, I know what I was doing is I was pimping them. I was turn them out for the first time. I taught them how to be a prostitute taught them how to how. You know, I feel horrible about it now. Yeah, absolutely disgusted, because that's horrific. It's a hard thing to wrap my mind around, you know, I think of those girls, I can picture their faces. In my mind today. I know their names. I pray for them, and I care for them. I love them. And I wish that there was something that I could do specifically for them to make amends for what I had done. So in essence is important to me, I think that when I do the work that I do today, one of the things that I strive to do is restore the innocence of the ladies that I'm interacting with, and remind them like you are beautiful. You are pure, you are lovely. I think right now the way I like make amends for that in my life is rescuing girls that don't have a chance. Yeah. The thing about this story that eats me up the most is that I stole their innocence. Like I was the villain. The other part of me realizes that as much as I was a villain, I was also a victim. Because I was a victim to what the system had taught me. And the life that I had endured, how the streets had shown me to survive. I was mimicking the behavior of what had been done to me. I think it's so common in this industry. And we call it lateral oppression, like you just mimic the behavior of your oppressor so that you're no longer the one that's being oppressed. And at the bottom of the food chain, right.

Rex Hohlbein 28:58

Some of the choices Casey makes in her life would be judged as morally wrong, a view that is confirmed in how our media often tells the surface story of an event when it first comes to light, and then further confirmed when we repeated amongst each other at the coffee shop or around the dinner table. But that story is never the whole story. When seen through Casey's lens, we learned it is much more complicated. Right and wrong is often not just black and white. That's

Casey 29:30

a really hard question. That's tough. Is it a crime? I mean, we would steal cars just so that we would have somewhere to stay inside and be safe. We'd break into places just so that we could have somewhere safe to be and warm to be because when you're out there in the streets and you're just like head on a swivel. Always looking over your shoulder Get the wear and tear, you just you gotta rest sometimes. I mean, I think it's still a crime. But when you're in survival and all you care about is like, making it through the winter, who cares about a crime. So what your car gets stolen or broken into your shed gets broken into a life was saved, because they didn't sleep outside in the snow. Do many times I've slept outside in the snow. And I don't know how I'm alive. There was one time I was walking by a church in there was a church band. And I broke into the church band, I found some bottles of water and granola bars that made my day because I probably hadn't eaten or had any water in I don't know how long and felt the safest I had in a long time that I fell asleep in there. The people came out the next morning, and they open up the van and I was terrified. And I thought certainly they're gonna call the police. And I sat up and I was like, I'm leaving, I'm leaving. I'm leaving right now. I'm so sorry. They said, you're okay. And then they handed me a cup of hot coffee. They say you know, we'd let you continue to sleep. But we need to use the van for our youth group. And those people realized there's a human life, the value of a human life is worth more than their, the vandalism of their van. That spoke to me. It didn't speak to me as much as at the time as it does now. When I was out there. I just been out there for for a hot minute. Like I'd been running and gunning out in the streets for a long time. And I was worn down. And I had seen awful things I'd done awful things. I was I was just mentally, emotionally physically worn down. And I had been actually living on the streets for quite some time trying to survive. And there was a drug dealer named Hector, for

Rex Hohlbein 32:39

the sake of everyone involved. Hector is a made up name.

Casey 32:45

He used to go to Hector's house to get dope. And I knew that he he would sell girls, I knew that he pimped girls, I knew that he had girls that were living at his house, he would provide them drugs. And then there was some exchange sex exchange. I had heard things about Hector. And so I was cautious of him. That when I was absolutely desperate, and I knew that Hector doors were open, I went to Hector. At first I was just hanging out there getting high and buying dope and things like that. Eventually, it turned into a hostage situation where he wouldn't let me leave. I think I had been there for maybe a week or two. And he was like you're not leaving now. You belong to me now. I didn't understand what was happening. And I didn't understand how he could just stake claim and own me at that point. But I didn't have any fight. left in me. I had no strength physically, mentally. I had such a lack of self worth. Psychologically, he had me he had me chained. He held me hostage with dope. He held me hostage with food he held me hostage with even clothing and things, just basic needs. There were just threats of like, if you leave, you'll you'll never have any of these things again. And you won't be able to show your face anywhere because I will have everyone out for you. And I'll just hunt you down and drag you back. I didn't want to I didn't want to see what would happen if I tried to leave. So I stayed.

Rex Hohlbein 34:53

What might be difficult for the listener to grasp is the complete power and total control Hector held over people. He was known in his circle as being very dangerous, as well as unstable. For Casey. This included a lot of sexual abuse and violent threats, often with him flashing his gun. As part of his control over Casey, he wouldn't let people use her name, they could only refer to her as the bitch or the whore. Even worse, they were instructed to ignore her. It was psychologically isolating and dehumanizing. In the beginning, Hector used physical force holding her down, keeping her in a backroom, unable to leave after being trained, or you could say conditioned to behave, she was led out, but always knowing she couldn't leave, or he would kill her. The longer it went on, the more Casey just gave up both her power and her sense of self. I

Casey 35:59

remember a lot of psychological abuse and humiliation, like making me eat off the floor like a dog sleep on the floor, at the end of the bed, like a dog wasn't allowed to sleep on a bed, I had to sleep on the floor. If I was in trouble, because I didn't do the dishes, or I didn't cook some food right, or I took too long in the shower. He would use humiliation as punishment. And he really did that. Mostly when when they was he had people coming over to buy drugs, he would have me wear these just disgustingly skimpy outfits and just stand or sometimes just butt naked and just stand there like I was on display. They would be sitting there doing their drug deals, and cleaning their guns and laughing and playing cards. While I was standing there humiliated in like, dripping in shame, just complete and utter embarrassment, wanting to cry, just wanting to break down and cry and feel so helpless. And I didn't understand how there could be a room full of people that could, like see this girl that was being tortured and humiliated and held against her will and threatened for her life. And they could just sit there and laugh and go about their life and no one wanted to, like even acknowledge me. Or make eye contact with me. It was like a sick twisted game. And I realized everyone was so freakin scared of Hector and he had so much power and he had such a mind grip on people that they just kind of fell into line and did what he said and accepted whatever was happening in his house because he just he ran shit. I didn't know how bad it was gonna get. I didn't know when I was gonna die. Because eventually I knew I was going to die. When he was not happy with me, he would send me out to the streets to work. He knew I didn't want to go out there. But I think it was like a power thing. He knew I was scared because he knew I would come back. Well, one time, I was out there too long. And I didn't come back with money. And what had happened was there is an undercover cop that came and picked me up. I picked up on it right away. Like I'm not done dumb. I've been doing this for years. I was in the car with this undercover cop. He's asking me questions, and he's trying to get me to say something to incriminate myself. And I'm just kind of ducking and dodging all of his questions. Or I'm not giving him the answer that he wants. And so I can tell he's getting frustrated. And I can tell that he well maybe he knew that I was on to him. I don't know. I think he was dumb and didn't know I think he thought he was pretty slick. I played dumb. He was trying to get me to incriminate other people on the street and he was asking me who are you working for? Like, who are you working for? And not in a way like I'm a cop and I want to know who you're working for. But just like trying to act like he was just curious and trying to see what it's called a stable the group of girls that all work under one pimp and he was trying to figure out what stable I was a part of. So I wasn't giving him any information and it finally came down to it and he was like, are we gonna do this or what and I was like I don't know what you're talking about. And he got really frustrated. And I got out of the car. While I was too afraid to work the rest of the night because I thought everyone was a cop. And I knew that that cop was so pissed off at me that he, I could feel he wanted vengeance on me, because he had just wasted all this time. And I didn't give him anything. It didn't give him any information that he wanted. So I went back to Hector's house. And Hector was livid that I went had been out there for so long. And that I didn't come back with money. I didn't tell Hector that I was hemmed up by an undercover cop, because I didn't want him to be, like suspicious, because I was like, Oh, that will just get me in worse trouble. And I don't want to get beat. I don't want to, you know, die. If he thinks that I ratted on him, he'll kill me. They didn't even call me by my name. Like, they wouldn't use my name. Because I think it humanized me too much. Hey, girl, hey, they would just say, you know, come here. And I knew that they were addressing me. So I pretty much given up hope at that point. And I just, I just gave in to, this is my value. And this is my identity. I'm just a worthless piece of shit that gets treated like trash. And when you're worn down that much, and you just give up like, you don't even feel a human. And there was one day these people came over. And I remember they were all sitting in the circle in the living room. And they were smoking dope. And I was sick. I was dope sick, because Hector liked to see me get dope sick, because he knew that when I was dopes, that guy would be desperate. And I sat down in the circle, just hoping like maybe someone will give me a hit. And the girl that was sitting next to me, handed me her foil. We were smoking dope on foil, and she handed me her foil and say, Do you want to hit this? It was the first time that someone went out of their way to acknowledge me. And it was the most awkward and uncomfortable feeling for me, because I didn't know how to interact with another human being who would see me as a human being. I think it was the first time that I heard someone say my name in a really long time. And for the first time, in however long I was there, I felt like I had a friend. It was like a little glimpse of hope, a little spark of hope, in just an extremely long period of darkness.

Rex Hohlbein 43:20

The young woman that Casey had just met was Amanda.

Casey 43:25

She left that day and I don't think she had ever seen the things that had happened to me at Hector's, but I think she had an idea. Because you can't be around someone that's been beaten down like that, and not just feel their energy of like, like this energy of worthlessness, you know, I am certain that I looked like a beat down and abused little puppy. The next time he sent me out to the street to work. I need the scariest and most courageous decision that I had made. That I've probably ever made in my life. I decided to run in a knew that I was risking my life. There was a high chance that I would die, that he would kill me that he would find me and kill me. If there's a chance that I can live and be human again. I want it and not risk anything to get that. If we don't have that happen, I'd rather be dead. So as I was scrambling out there on the streets, it's the The hours were counting down. I knew Hector was going to be expecting me back. I kept wrestling in myself like do I go back or do I run like a bag? Do I run like is this really the right time? Should I really do this? Should I create a plan. But as time went on, I realized, even if I do go back, I'm not going back with any money, because I haven't worked at all tonight. So it got down to the wire. And I was like, I can't go back, like I have to run now. I knew I had to get off the streets, because I knew Hector was going to send people to looking for me, or that he was going to come looking for me himself. There was this rival drug dealer down the street, who I knew, and I had done some deals with in the past. It was like one of Hector's rivals. I don't know why I think that going to his house is a good idea. But it was the only thing that was coming to my mind. So I went to this rival drug dealers house. I went to Ross goats. I didn't want any of the people that lived at his house to know that I was there because I didn't trust any of them. And I knew that they would rat me out to Hector for a bag of dope symbols that I didn't trust anyone. But for some reason. I trusted Roscoe. I went to his window. And he opened his curtain, saw me standing there with my eyes, as big as can be, and shivering, and just completely terrified. And he opened his window and just said, What are you doing? What are you doing here? He hadn't seen me in however long I've been missing. When I told him I was running away from Hector. He told me to come in. And I said, I'm not going through your front door, I'm I'll go through your window. Because no one can know that I'm here. Before I did, I stopped him. And I looked him straight in the eye. And I wanted to make very sure that he understood the risk he was taking by letting me come into his house. You know, if I come in here, Hector's going to be looking for me. And if he finds me here, he will kill me. And he will kill you. And Roscoe with complete confidence, looked me dead in the eye and said, No, he won't. And I took that as Roscoe giving me his word that he was going to protect me that he was gonna hide me. And he was going to make sure that I got away from actor. And I went into his closet behind the sliding closet doors and I curled up in a ball on the floor in the corner as far back as I could. And I just cried. And I shivered. And I just held myself so tight in the fetal position. And Roscoe kept trying to console me, let me know, you're safe, it's going to be okay. I knew that he really truly believed that. But everything that I had been living and everything that I knew in my mind was the exact opposite. And I was just picturing the brutal, like torture and death that we were all going to face at the hands of Hector when I was found. And every time I heard the phone ring, I would hold my breath. And I would just pray. Because they knew word was out that I had left. And there was a reward. And I think I hid in that closet for two weeks. Roscoe would just bring me soggy bread and water, because I was too afraid to eat anything that was going to make noise. And I would hear Hector call Roscoe. And I would hear Roscoe just lying for me being so believable. Believe me Rove is zero. Let you know. You know, there are times when I thought What if I can't trust Roscoe and he's gonna rat me out for you know, a large sum of money or whatever. The next knock on the door is going to be Hector. Like I didn't know those thoughts crossed my mind. When things started to die down, and people moved on to the next, you know, hysteria that was happening on the streets. I knew I had to get out of Ross goes house, because the longer I was there, the more chance of me being found and after Roscoe had lay down his life to save me and protect me. I didn't want to put him in any Jeopardy. He just asked me where I was going to go. And what I was going to do, was there anyone that he wanted me to contact? And I just said, you know, do you know that Amanda girl, she's the only person that I know, the only person that I feel safe with, because everyone else turned their backs on Me. And so we got a hold of Amanda and she came and picked me up. It put all of that behind me.

Rex Hohlbein 50:40

Amanda took Casey off the streets for a while, at least for long enough, she fed her and kept her safe. And maybe most importantly, she believed in Casey, she told her to stop treating herself the way she did with drugs and prostitution, that she was worth more than that. All the while, Amanda kept her hustle going to pay for their survival. When

Casey 51:05

I got off the streets, Amanda stayed out there. I would go look for her, trying to get her come live with me. And she was never ready. You know, she would say I've got a handful of cash in a pocket full of dope. I'm good. The streets are good to me. One day, Amanda called me. She said, Casey, I am eight days off of heroin. And I have nowhere to go and I need your help. And I said, Okay, so I went and picked her up. I was working at a homeless shelter at that time. So she came and stayed with me at the homeless shelter. And I kind of nursed her back to health. It was like 10 days later, she started to get really sick. So we took her to the hospital. And they told her that she had stage four lung cancer. She was she was homeless, and she had stage four lung cancer and she had nowhere to go. And so her and I moved in together. And I just, you know, tried to make it hard because she had such an impact in my life in the darkest parts of my life. She was such a bright light. And it's just amazing how we were that for each other. We got to be a pretty light in each other's life when we needed it the most. And so she had the last months of her life, you know, she was in a wheelchair, she was on oxygen, she was constantly having stays in and out of the hospital. And I just took care of her and stayed with her every single day and trying to make the most memories as possible and do as much as we could with with the time that we had when she died. You know, she was like she was happy.

Rex Hohlbein 53:16

The community on the streets like any community is full of people with diverse experiences, abilities and convictions. And while street communities due to the great amount of trauma and need, are often dysfunctional, they are still communities still a place to find friendship, opportunities, and hard learned lessons. Both Hector and Amanda played defining roles in Casey's life journey. And while we don't know their backstory, both undoubtedly were suffering from their own trauma, both coping in radically different ways with profound influence on those around them.

Casey 53:57

Yeah, we're designed to have human connection, and community. It's like, ingrained with it within us as human beings. And so we crave that and even in the most broken system and disturbing dynamics of relationship. There is something in us but that drives us to, to show care and compassion in whatever way we can or in whatever way we know how to express care and compassion.

Rex Hohlbein 54:39

Casey continued to work her escort service on Backpage she was bouncing from place to place, surviving moment to moment. At another low point, she received an offer from a regular client to live in a vacant trailer on his property. She had just lost her housing. Due to standing her ground with an abusive man she He was living with, he wasn't having any of it, and kicked her out and changed the locks. When the offer came to live in the trailer, she took it. She didn't feel she had any other options.

Casey 55:13

It was a trailer out in like in the garage area. And so he's like, you know, your own personal space. And so I moved in there. And at that point, I think I had just been so tired of and fed up with life went to court. So that says, I was trying, in some capacity to like, get my life together. And I was trying to get clean, and I was trying to not seek clients. And I was just, I was just over it. Like, I'd gotten a treatment came back and I relapsed. And I was, you know, I had gone to treatment a couple times relapsed and came back, and then the guy just always had a open space for me. So I stayed there. And he put up with me, because I was just was quite a handful. I can say that. And then one day, I was out of dope. And so I went to find some, and I got some from a pretty sketchy place. And I knew that it was risky. And it was shady. And I, I remember just going to take a hit and like just praying, I hope this shot doesn't kill me. I mean, I, I shot dope for so long that I knew. I knew what my body could handle and what it couldn't handle. I knew how my body reacted, as soon as the dope hit my veins. On the third shot, I felt what I could only describe as poison in my veins, go right to my heart and pump throughout my whole body. I remember actually feeling it and just thinking to myself, oh shit, I guess that's done. You know, that's, that's the one that's gonna kill me. And there's no going back. Now it's with done is done. I can't take it out of my veins. Now. My whole body stiffened up and got cold. And I knew I was dying. And so the only thing I could think to do is go inside and fill up the bathtub with hot water and at least die in a warm bath. And so that's what I did. And I remember laying in that bathtub and thinking like okay, yes, this is it. I'm gonna die a junkie. As I lay there and felt my body just getting weaker and weaker and kind of just drifting away. I thought about my life. And I thought about the wreckage that I had caused in life and the destruction that had been in my week, the people that I'd hurt the awful things that I'd done. And that when I died, I was just going to be another statistic. When they came to get my body, are they even going to know my name? Is anyone even gonna care? Does anyone even going to know or care that I'm gone, who's going to be there to mourn me? That devastated me. And I knew that I didn't want that to be my legacy, like, the legacy that I leave on this earth. And so I just started praying to God with all earnestness that I could, just coming to a place of surrender, and being at peace with whether I lived or I died. I remember making a promise that if God would save me, that I would live a different life that I would do something different with my life and that I would make an impact in the world. Okay, this is the moment like I'm either gonna live or I'm gonna die and I'm gonna find out right now. And I stood up from the bathtub. And the moment I stood up, I just felt I just felt completely restored. The poison that I felt in my veins just dissipated, it just went away. I felt my strength come back. I felt the clarity come back in my mind. I felt my body temperature regulate And my muscles relax. And as fell to my knees, and just hoping that I could hold to hold to the promise that I made, you know, and I didn't have a lot of faith in myself that I was going to be able to be a changed person after that I really I was like, I know me. And I know the things that I've done. And I don't have a lot of faith that I'm gonna follow through with this. But I remember staying in that bathroom until the guy returned. And when he returned, and he said, What are you doing, I said, I need you to go out to the trailer, find every piece of paraphernalia and all the dope that you can find and get rid of it because I'm done. And from that moment on, he helped me get clean, he helped me detox cold turkey. In the garage, he cleaned up my puke, he cleaned up my dirty sheets, he got me water, just cared for me. And I, I really struggled for two months, I struggled to get the dope out of my system. I was just an emotional roller coaster, I was afraid to go outside in the daylight, I was afraid to be seen. The thing I stayed indoors for for two months, until finally I would start to go outside at night just to get fresh air and to walk because I knew that my body needed exercise. But I held a lot of shame. And I was it was really, it was really surreal for me, because I had been living numb for my entire life. And it was the first time in my my whole life that I was facing reality. And I was really raw. Every feeling every experience, every memory was just amplified. I had to learn how to how to hold those things, and deal and cope with them without without drugs. My friend, the guy that I was living with he he got me the support and the resources and, and everything that I needed to get clean and maintain recovery. Well, that was the day I left that entire life behind. I left the streets, I left prostitution, I left drugs. I left, I left everything. I walked away from all of it, a changed person after that moment. And I asked him why why did why did you do so much for me? Why did you put up with so much without asking for anything in return? Like why did you extend that to me? He just said, you know i From the moment I met you, I saw there was a girl inside dying to get out. I saw a person inside of you that was just dying to get out. I think this goes for anyone that may be out in the streets struggling or a family member or a friend of someone is that as long as there is a literal breath in your lungs, there is hope for a whole new future. And if you don't see that, and you don't realize it or in your if you're in such a dark place that all hope seems lost. Let me have that out for you. You know, let this be hope. Even the most worn down, smooth down, skipping stone can be almost repurposed and polished, and put on display as a beautiful new creation that can be cherished and admired and bring joy to anyone that looks at

Rex Hohlbein 1:04:34

it's hard not to smile, the biggest smile when telling all of you that several months ago, Casey celebrated her seventh year of sobriety. She's also been busy during that time, mostly giving back. She worked five years of case management at Seattle's Union Gospel Mission at Kent hope emergency shelter and hope place recovery program. She started a support group for sex work so drivers. She is a certified King County diversion coach through King County diversion training and certified for mental health first aid through the National Council for Behavioral Health. She is a recovery advocate for public policy and media relations as well as having completed all King County commercially sexually exploited children Task Force training. And on top of all of that, Casey has been working in India with orphans as well as with domestic and international trafficking victims. Seven years ago, when Casey began her recovery, she founded light of love, which provides direct outreach to women who work on the same streets and strip clubs that she used to. She is currently turning that organization into a nonprofit. Casey has an unbelievably strong community around her that supports the work she does for others currently struggling in the sex industry. Each and every day, she is beyond grateful to go back to the streets and be a light of love for someone else struggling in Casey's story, it is unknown what exactly created the opportunity for her to move forward, leaving the drug addiction and sex industry behind? Why was she able to do it while so many others have not. We know that each person's journey is unique, both in the circumstances of trauma and the ability to cope. We also know that every person suffering has a greater chance of moving forward in their life. When we in community, see them not for what they're doing, but rather take the time to see who they are. And in this moment of seeing someone for exactly who they are, just as Amanda did for Casey, we provide another option. Another opportunity for moving forward for the person struggling and for ourselves. For this three part episode, we would like to try something new with all of you. Yes you the listeners. I'll be having a follow up conversation with Casey to discuss questions from the audience. If you were moved by Casey sharing, please let us know. If you have opinions, please share them with us. And if you have questions, please do ask them you can reach out to us via the episode page or on our website at you know me now.com

Rex Hohlbein 1:08:01

You know me now is produced Written and edited by Tomasz Biernacki and Rex Hohlbein By we would like to give a heartfelt thanks to Casey for taking the time to speak with us so very beautifully. The song you're hearing is performed by preacher you can listen to more of preacher on our artist spotlight available on the eunomia website. We hope you have a chance to check it out. You know me now has a Facebook and Instagram page where you can join in on the conversation. We also have a website at eunomia now.com where we posted photos of Casey in her previous life as well as other stories of folks. We feel you should get to know thanks as always for listening