Rex Hohlbein 0:00

As is the case with most of our episodes, this podcast contains potentially sensitive topics and strong language. Listener discretion is advised. Hello, everyone. Before we get started, we'd like to let you know that this is part two of a three part episode called the skipping rock. If you have not already listened to part one, we recommend you go back and begin there. While not necessary, it will give greater meaning to the rest of the story. Additionally, we want to let you know that after we finish releasing all three parts of this episode, I'll be sitting down with Casey for a follow up conversation. We're excited about the opportunity to share input from the audience with her. If after listening to the three episodes, you have comments or questions, please submit them to us on the episode page at you know me now.com. And with that, let's begin.

Casey 1:02

You can't look at someone that looks like they're put together and think, Oh, they've just had a perfect life. But also you can't look at someone that looks like they don't have their life put together and say, Oh, they chose to be there. I want people to see the most hopeless looking person on the street and see hope to see in life to see a future. Not only that, but to see that there's an individual, like a thriving individual there that just needs to break out.

Rex Hohlbein 1:44

I'm rexhall by and welcome to eunomia. Now, a podcast conversation that strives to amplify the unheard voices in our community. In these episodes, I want to remind all of our listeners that the folks who share here, do so with a great deal of vulnerability and courage. They share a common hope that by giving all of us a window into their world, they're opening an increased level of awareness, understanding, and perhaps most importantly, a connection within our own community. When we left Casey, in the last episode, in part one, she was making some big decisions in her life, wanting to not only leave the trauma and dysfunction of her childhood behind, but also coming to grips with having to earn a living. She decided to take a waitressing job at a strip club, which led to dancing and the fast money of the sex industry. Casey was 18 years old. Suddenly, she had a nice house, a car she loved and plenty of money. All part of the fast paced life she was now living for her. At that moment, it was working. She had arrived and was going to enjoy it. There were lots of friends, lots of alcohol, and plenty of the tension she was seeking. As we enter back into cases world, when that was accelerating fast, she met someone that slowed things down, at least for a moment. Someone that would mean a great deal to her.

Casey 3:19

There was one guy that I met and his name is Matt. He started coming around, just started hanging out. I I liked him. He was cool. I was really attracted to him. He was wild like me. Everyone really respected him. I could tell that he was also just damaged. I say that because he had his own really traumatic experiences. And he was getting ready to go to prison for manslaughter. And he had accidentally shot his best friend in the head with a shotgun. We were drinking a lot. numbing our pain, doing a lot of drugs. And he would cry. And I would just sit with him and try to comfort him. And I I understood pain like that. And I understood feeling like there was no hope for the future. I could be with him in that. And so we we grew a really close bond and a really close friendship. Right before he went to prison. I told him that I wanted to be his girlfriend. I think I love you and I want to be there for you. I don't want you to be alone. And I don't want to be alone. And you're my best friend. And so he went to prison. And I committed to just standing by his side, being there for him writing him letters visiting him being faithful to him. You know, it was as much as as much of a relationship that you can have with someone who's in prison.

Rex Hohlbein 5:30

While Matt is serving his time in prison, Casey continues to advance in her career as an exotic dancer,

Casey 5:37

who are doing the thing. We were living life, we were living life large, really as kids, and we were buying cars, and we were buying clothes. And we were going to big parties. And we were meeting with people with big names, and we knew how to hustle. We were surrounded by guys that had money. We used every bit of our looks and charisma to manipulate men to manipulate whoever we could to get whatever we wanted. And we had no fear, we were completely untouchable. At least, you know, I thought it was I felt like what I was gaining from, from that lifestyle was worth what I had to sacrifice and give for the lifestyle. That's what happens when you make a name for yourself in the club and in the industry. And when you're good at what you do, customers want to come in and see you and essentially you are a prized possession of the club, because you're bringing people in a group of us just decided that we were gonna go travel from city to city, check out the different clubs and make a bunch of money and come back and just live easy. Casey

Rex Hohlbein 7:01

and her friends started to travel to different strip clubs on the West Coast, such as Portland, Las Vegas, and Los Angeles felt like

Casey 7:10

we were in a movie, it felt like we were just in this crazy kingdom of money and fame and alcohol and limousines everywhere and fancy clothes and shopping. And it didn't even have to be a weekend, it could just be a weekday, and we would just be like, Hey, let's get a limousine and have someone drive us around. And we'll just smoke weed and drink champagne. As like, people just did whatever we wanted them to do. And all we had to do was ask, it just seemed like everything was free. It was just a party around the clock. We would never wear the same outfit twice. At one point, I had so many clothes and shoes that I had to turn this spare bedroom into a giant walk in closet. And that couldn't even fit all the clothes and purses and shoes and just ridiculous amounts of everything that I had. And I thought that that made me happy. The managers would call me and say, Jamie, I need you to come in tonight. This is a really bad, but this is what they would say. I need my a team tonight. We only got B girls in here. There are a certain set of girls. And it was usually me and my friends. We were considered the A team. We were the ones that the managers wanted there every night because we were the ones that attracted customers. Customers would come in and ask for us. And if we weren't there, they turn around and walk out. So I had guys that were flying in from out of state to come see me. Yeah, you know, a lot of regulars that would come from out of state just specifically to see me. I never saved any money. I didn't need to and I mean that was the mindset that I had money was so just like, it's fast money. So I would go on these $500 shopping sprees on a regular basis two to three times a week, because if I spent every dollar that I had, I knew I could just go to work. Like I would go to the mall and spend, you know $500.02 grand on shoes. I never thought about my future because I was living very much in the present. It baffles my mind to think how young I was and I was truly just a child. Just a child. Packing my high heels And my laundry array to travel to these big cities to sell myself. And thinking that I was on top of the world. Like I had made it, I had found the key to success. And that was the answer to all my problems, and that it would be the answer. And the solution for the rest of my life. One of the older dancers at the club, she sat me down in the corner of the dressing room, and she, she just looked at me straight in the eyes. He said, You know, I was like you at one time, and I started dancing really young. And I was unstoppable. I was on top of the world. And then she told me that she started to want to have a family and want to have kids. And she wasn't able to do that, because of the job that she was, that she had as a dancer. And that when she did have kids, the baby's dads would leave her. But then her kids started having kids. And she said that one day, she just woke up in the in and realized that she had been working in a strip club her entire life, that she was a grandmother. And she had never gone to school or got an education. And her looks were fading. And she stopped making money. And she said that she realized she had wasted her life in the club, and that she could never get it back. And that terrified me. Because I didn't want to end up like her. I didn't want to end up being a stripper with grandchildren that couldn't just go work a normal job. So I'm grateful for that woman. I don't know who she is. She saved my life in a way. You know, I was still just young and 18 it was like, Well, I still got some years, you know, I mean, I wasn't impacted me. And I held that with me. And it didn't change where I was I was still there was still all the glitz and the glamour and I still had so much to discover. I guess you could say I kind of packed that away, somewhere. I packed that away in the back of my mind.

Rex Hohlbein 12:42

Even though Casey was wildly successful in her work, she was still struggling with her past, the traumatic experiences she lived through as a child were continually bubbling up to the surface. It was becoming apparent to her that this lifestyle she was working so hard for was not enough to quiet the pain,

Casey 13:03

even with all the fame and the glamour and the money and the partying, and all the you know, quote unquote, fun that I was having. And there was always a part of me that was asking the question, Am I good enough. And always comparing myself to other people always struggling with the lie that I am worthless, that I need to do more or be prettier, that I don't have everything that I want. I was always struggling with feeling enough. And bottom line and that's depressing. That's really sad when you have everything at your fingertips. And internally, you hate yourself. There's nothing you can do to ever feel whole or really feel loved. Right? There's this false sense or idea of love in the clubs. There's a sense of family and community and camaraderie among the dancers and the management. But you still feel alone. It's still very isolating. There's still a lot of pain. And the only way to kind of suppress the pain is to make more money, buy more clothes, and get more high. But when you go home and you're alone and you're sitting in a dark room, the money doesn't come for you. The clothes don't come for you because All that stuff is for someone else. None of it fed my soul. None of it gave me any substance to identity. It was just like sand falling through your fingers in left you feeling more empty than before. I just grew this big or hunger for more money, more clothes, more drugs, more parties, more lights. That became my identity and it became my escape. Because I didn't want to be home. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be faced with the reality that all of it fades away.

Rex Hohlbein 15:54

Cases boyfriend Matt, who was constantly in and out of jail was there for her through her ups and downs. And she was there for him. He was her human. And she was his, he

Casey 16:07

was my rider die, ride or die. I mean, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna ride for you, or I'm gonna die for you. I mean, thick and thin. We're together in this. I had his back. I held it down. Anytime he got locked up. I was there. I stayed loyal, stay faithful. I just, I would write him. He knew that whenever he got out, he had a home to come to, and I would be there. And he was also you know, he just had his own hustle that he was doing whatever he needed to do to survive. So we were running and getting together and doing horrible things and whatever we needed to do, and taking a lot of risks, and putting yourself in some crazy situations. But he was out of prison one time and he went, he went to prison a lot. He was out of prison one time. And I found out I was pregnant. We were ecstatic. We were so excited. Because when I met Matt and we became best friends, and then we were together. I didn't picture myself ever being with anyone else. Like he was my person. And I was his person. And now we were having a baby together. And that was really exciting. And his mom was excited and his family was excited. And so we started to get ready for that. Pregnancy was hard. I had to start stop working at the club. So that meant he had to, you know, do more of his hustle. That was hard for me because first of all, I couldn't be involved. And I wanted to be I wanted to be in the mix. And I wanted to be with him, you know, and I wanted to contribute to what we were building together. I remember one time, we had this enormous safe in our living room that we had gotten from a house and we didn't know what was in it. I think we were up some drug dealers or something who brought all this loot back. And then him and his boys went out to do another run. While I stayed home and with a crowbar and just busted. It worked on bussing into the safe all night. Little pregnant Casey with this massive crowbar breaking into this huge save. You know I found little ways to be entertained. Not

Rex Hohlbein 19:02

only did Casey need to stop working as an exotic dancer, she also needed to stop doing drugs.

Casey 19:08

I was doing really good to stay clean. Because that was important to me to stay clean. And it was hard to stay clean because I was surrounded by drugs like we were just that was our life. And so everyone was using drugs Around me there was always drugs around the house. I think when I first found out I was pregnant, I went in to meet with the doctor and the midwife and the UAT me my test came back positive. So from then on, they were like we're gonna use au like every week and so that was good. Those really good because I don't know if I would have been able to stay clean. But I had a really good relationship with the midwife. So I was able to just really be open and honest with her and tell her how I was struggling and she He made sure to get me as much support as I needed. You get to a point in pregnancy where you're like, you're nesting, right. And so you just want to put the house together and you want to get ready for the baby, and you just want to nest. So I was really on Matt's case about like, Hey, you got to knock it off, you got to stop the hustle. Like, I just want you to stay home, you're doing some dangerous things, and I don't want you to get hemmed up. Because if you get hemmed up, I'm going to be sitting here alone and delivering this baby by myself. And that's not what I want, you know, I want you to be there when your son is born. His mindset was, like I have to provide. And this was the only means in way I know how to provide. Not to mention, like he had, he was struggling with his own addiction at that point. And so I think that he was just so torn between staying home and then doing what he knew how to do. That caused a lot of tension between us and we would fight. And eventually I was like, whatever I can't, like, I can't control you. So do what you're gonna do. And I stayed home, in bed alone, pregnant and crying. Unfortunately, I called it I knew it was gonna happen. And maybe, you know, maybe I spoke it into existence. Probably not. It was just inevitable. But Matt went and did a job. And I mean, I don't know the details. All I know is that someone was on to them. And they got surrounded and pulled over and he got arrested. I was sitting at home when I got the call that investigators wanted to talk to me. Would I you know, agree to talk to them. I said no. And so they got a warrant. And while I was gone one day, they kicked in my front door, and raided my apartment, and completely turned it upside down, just absolutely destroyed it. Everything that I had put together. The living room, the baby's room with the crib and the clothes and everything. I mean, they just destroyed it. They literally threw everything upside down. Matt's mom took me in and she created a really sweet space for me to go and live and have Calvin have the baby. And I did. I ended up having Calvin, myself in the hospital. And it was really sad. It's not what I had wanted for or what I had envisioned, you know, that we were gonna have a family and it was a really special time, and it was ruined.

Rex Hohlbein 23:01

The day Casey had her baby, she received a call from one of her mom's friends that she was concerned that there was a problem at her mom's house. After a call to the police and a wellness check. It was discovered that Casey's mom had blacked out and overdosed on drugs and alcohol. She was beaten up by someone and needed emergency services. So while Casey was going to one hospital to have her baby, her mother, at the same time was being rushed to another hospital. Casey was once again disappointed and angry with the people who should have been the adults in her life.

Casey 23:36

I think I was angry. I think I was angry because I felt like life wasn't fair. I was angry that my mom wasn't there, that I didn't have family. And that it was kind of stuck with no options. But I saw hope. Like when I looked at Calvin I saw hope you know, he was I just saw innocence. As far as my life I had planned and I wanted to get out of the lifestyles or stay out of the lifestyle right at that point. Stay out of it. Be a mom to him, get a job and wait for Matt to get out of prison and have a family. I mean, that's where my mind was. I recognize the value of of the family unit. Right? And especially a family unit with both mom and dad in the household. And I didn't think it was fair that Calvin's dad was in prison. It wasn't fair to Calvin. It wasn't fair to me. You know and in it wasn't fair to Matt and I know that it was all I had our own choices, right consequences of our choices. I knew that Matt desperately wanted to be there. And it hurt him deeply not to be

Rex Hohlbein 25:10

Matt's decision to continue engaging in illegal activities with his partner expecting a child was risking so much one that would end up causing him tremendous heartache while in prison, having to miss the birth of his son. The obvious question is, why did Matt make what appears to be such a reckless choice? In this telling of the story? We don't know. In fact, we know very little about that moment for Matt. What were his influences his stresses his hopes, and what were his options. What we do know is that he was very connected to Casey, and presumably his yet born son. It could be despite Matt's choice appearing to be unimaginably reckless that for him, it was his best option, that he was doing what he thought best.

Casey 26:04

I started working with Matt's mom, and he was doing really good. And I was just kind of trying to recover from having a baby. Matt's mom owned a cleaning company. And so I started to help her out and work with her. I think that I was struggling Senate from some pretty severe postpartum depression. And I didn't know what that was, like, no one really talked to me about it. I didn't understand when people were saying, you know, postpartum depression, and no, I don't, that's embarrassing, like I would admit to that. But I did start to feel like I heaviness and kind of feeling really detached. And I didn't know how to talk about it, I didn't know who to talk to, and I felt a lot of shame about it. So I just started to isolate a sink into that depression. Essentially, I resorted to it, I knew. And what I knew was drugs. I would start using here and there, just a little bit, just enough to like, get me out of my funk. So I should could get up and shower and function and do things around the house. We know that doing just a little bit there were never last for very long. So that picked up really quick. And once it picked up, it sped up and amplified immensely. And so I was in full blown addiction again. I mean, and then I just ended up back at the strip club. As simple as that. I think that when I worked for the cleaning, when I when I was doing the cleaning, it just felt like a dead end. It didn't feel like I was making enough or achieving enough to really progress forward in life. I saw how quickly I could make the money at the strip club, but also have all the things that I needed. I wanted to be independent, and be able to take care of my son and not be mooching off of this woman. Right. And like she's busting her butt. Uh huh. feel awful to feel like a burden like that. So yeah, even working with her didn't feel like I was able to take care of myself and provide for Calvin the way that I wanted to.

Rex Hohlbein 28:42

As crazy as it may sound for Casey to walk away from the Help Matt's mother was offering. It was important for her to be independent. During this time, she was experiencing a great deal of shame around feeling useless, and a feeling incapable of taking care of herself and her son. And there was another thing. In addition to the shame, Casey was in survival mode, turning down parental help was an act of self preservation. Too many times in the past when relying on others, allowing herself to get close to be fully dependent, would come back to bite her in the butt. She understood that the only person in the world she could trust was herself. She was in the mode of get what you need, and get out before you get hurt to be independent. She needed to make use of what she was already good at. And that was dancing. I

Casey 29:40

went back to the strip club and I was working and that's when my addiction and just the drug use when skyrocket. Now not only am I needing to be able to function at work, but I'm needing to function at home All men take care of a baby. And they have to make even more money because they got to pay the babysitter now. It's my manager, who, in his way, he cared about me a lot. And he was a father figure to me. He pulled me in the office one evening, and sat me down and just said, you know, I see how you're living your life. I want to help you. So you pulled out a calculator. He was specifically adding up how much money I was spending on drugs. He saw how high I was when I was coming into work. And he said, Do you know what you could buy with this amount of money, he handed me the calculator. And I was shocked. Because at that time, I think I was spending eight grand a week on drugs, just for myself. He said, You know, you could pay your son's college tuition. By just saving this for a year, like you could save up enough money to send your son to college. And I was so just deep in the lifestyle at that time that I I don't know if I had the capacity to care. And it hurts to see that. Because I do care. And that pains me a lot. Little Casey was so broken, and so lost, and just suck so deep into this lifestyle, and just trying to survive and make it through the day. And doing what I had to do to numb the pain that I didn't feel like I had any other choice. I want it to be able to be a mom to my son. I wanted to be able to set up a future for him. But at that point, it was like I was trapped in such a vicious cycle. Because in order for me to make the money that I was making, I had to be high. I had to be I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it sober. But in order to get high I had to work. And I didn't see any way out. There was no way out. It was stuck.

I had a newborn baby and I had no family and no support. My son's father was in prison.

Rex Hohlbein 32:56

As Casey's drug use continued to increase. It was becoming obvious to those in her life that she was unable to provide the necessary parenting for her son. Concern for Calvin's well being led to CPS child protective services being asked to intervene.

Casey 33:13

CPS got involved and and I, I fought. I fought for my life to save that relationship to restore what I knew could be even though I didn't have the support, or people in my life to to lean on. All I had was myself to lean on and I was broken. And I wasn't able to heal. In that situation. When CPS got involved, what I needed was healing. And instead of saying here, we're going to provide you with the healing and the resources that you need for counseling and therapy and like love and community and belonging. They said Just stop. Like just change your behavior. And I didn't know how. And I wasn't given any other tools to deal with or cope with when I was using the behavior for in the first place. And I blamed myself for not being able to quit doing drugs and live this perfect life that CPS wanted me too. I blamed myself and I thought what is wrong with me? Do I hate my son? Do I not love him enough? Why can't I do this for him? And the thing is, is I didn't know that I was lacking tools. No one even told me hey, you need to gain tools so you can learn a different lifestyle or learn how to be a mom or learn how to live a clean, sober lifestyle. If no one's there to support mom, then How is Baby getting the best support? So it's really backwards. It's really messed up. Like it's a damaged system. I was just doing the things because that's what they told me to do. I wasn't getting healthy. It's just about putting on a performance for them. And the performance is never good enough. Because even if I had passed their checklist, how would that have helped Calvin, it wouldn't have because he still would have had a really unhealthy broken mother. I fought CPS for years, for years I battled with them, I would do good. And then I do bad. And I do good and bad, but I never let go. And I never gave up. Until finally they just said, you know, this has been going on for long enough. And they said, We've got to bring this case to a close. We're going to be terminating your rights. So at that point, there was a family that owned a daycare that Calvin was going to, we had built up a pretty good relationship with them. We knew that they loved Calvin, we trusted them. We saw their lives. We knew they're a good people. And so we just very straightforward and candidly ask them, will you, if it comes to the point where the rights are terminated? Will you adopt him? Because we don't want him to just go and get lost in the system. And they agreed. And so the day came when I went to court and the hearing to terminate my rights, those are really difficult day. This was what CPS told me, they said, you can go to court and you can either sign the paper to give up your rights, or you can get up there and we will basically hanging out to dry. We will humiliate you in front of everybody. And they said they would tell every every horrible thing and every every dirty secret. Yeah. Like I said, you will hate yourself after you sit up there and hear what we have to say about you. So I signed. Yeah. Calvin went to this family. And he's still with that family today. You know, as open adoption, so meaning that I could see him but it was so like, in my shame, and in my addiction just like, mortified that I isolated. And I didn't make contact, even though I had the right to i That was when I gave up. Once my rights were taken from me is when I gave up. Because I'd lost the fight that had been fighting so hard. I didn't know how to create a path out. Or I couldn't see any other options. I mean, that's the hard thing about this lifestyle, is that when you get sucked into it, when you grow up in an environment that only offers one path, no matter how destructive that path is. That's the only path you see. Choice is a really strange concept. The way I see choice today, in the way the average person living in America that has grown up with one attentive parent or two attentive parents with income and family, and education. The way that that person sees choice is different from someone that didn't grow up with that. Because someone that grows up in a single parent household with a mom that is struggling with mental health and addiction and working her butt off to provide and doesn't have any other family. There's very few options. I was told at a young age that I would never go to college, because we couldn't afford it. No one in our family ever went to college. So it wasn't an option on the table for me. I think that would have changed a lot for me if I had thought that there or if I had been presented with other options. How was I suppose to see other options at that time. So nothing changed. I think what changed is that I felt worse about myself, which caused me to go into deeper shame and deeper pain. And the only way solution that I knew or that had been taught to me was that means you get more high. And you go deeper into distraction, and you do anything and everything you can to numb yourself. So I resorted to the solution that I knew.

Rex Hohlbein 40:48

After losing rights to her son, Calvin, Casey spiraled deeper into the world of drugs and exotic dancing. She started to take regular trips to Vegas to work, and also to party and escape.

Casey 41:01

I spiraled, I spiraled so deep and so hard, and I had nothing to lose. I had nothing to lose everything that I had fought for, I lost, and I was a failure. And I mean, what what did I have to show now? That was when I went to Vegas. In were just like, we're gonna, we're doing this. Vegas was awesome. It got me out of my funk. It got me back in the game back on the scene, back in the groove of making money doing the glamorous thing back in the life and even hanging out with even like more like sketchier crowd than I was before. The people that I was hanging out with, did not care about me whatsoever. So at this point, like all of my strip club, life had just been glamour and fame. And it was on steroids in Vegas. I mean, I saw the most beautiful women that I just looked up to. I looked up to him so much. And I wanted to be like them. And I wanted to dance like them, and I wanted to make money like them. Yeah, they just they seemed untouchable. If I thought I was untouchable. They seemed untouchable. There was one night when one of the girls that I really, really admired she was probably the most famous girl at the club. I walked into the Jets in your most like probably four o'clock in the morning. She was hunched down in her locker and her like her bra in her underwear were kind of like, hanging off of her. I didn't know if she was just having trouble getting undressed, if she was just like out of her mind. And she was puking in her locker. Her hair was all messed up, just completely disheveled. And she turned around and she looked up at me. And her makeup and her eyes were so dark and black and it was dripping down her face. And there was like snot running from her nose. And I will never forget the look in her eyes. completely blank. It was like completely, like she wasn't there. And it was something not of this world. Today, I would say she was probably possessed. I felt the energy I felt evil energy. And the whole atmosphere shifted. And I had not experienced fear like that in my life. It sent chills down my spine. That girl That everyone flocked to was crouched down on the floor of the dressing room in a complete mess. And everyone was scattered. Like they would not go within a 10 foot radius of her. I think that at that moment, I realized there's more to this life than what I've seen on the outside. Like there's a deeper underbelly to this life that is dark and demonic and evil and something that I didn't have power control over. And I realized that everything that I had seen before was just an illusion. And that illusion had a crack in it. And once there was a little crack, it got bigger and bigger.

Rex Hohlbein 45:06

Casey was sinking down further than she had been seeing the dark side of the world she had been dancing through it, indeed scared her, she was coming face to face with her own demons. For Casey, this was a moment of looking behind the veil, the beginning of the end of her professional dancing career. The drugs though, we're not done with her,

Casey 45:28

I came back to Washington, I continued to work, I continued to do compete in show girl of the year, I continued to do all the things that I was doing, while just supporting this insane drug habit. I was doing heroin at this time. And that's when things started to first get bad at the strip club. The moment that I started looking bad for the club, was the moment they stopped, like, caring for me, and were kinda like, Hey, you're a liability now, and we're gonna have to let you go. The owner of one of the clubs that I was working on caught wind that I was not doing well. And that it was kind of causing a scene at the club. I don't know what I was doing that had got his attention. But the owner told the manager, you need to fire her. The manager of the club, really, he advocated for me, and he said, let me just try to help her. Look, please give me a chance to try to help her. He went to bat for me on a number of occasions. And he had brought me aside and like, really, he said, very blunt. I am supposed to fire you. But I'm not going to wait because I believe that you can do better. And I want to try to help and see you do better. But I wasn't having it. I was in so much pain. I was so broken, and just trying to run away from everything that had happened with Calvin that I was like, screw that. No. I was so rebellious. And I said, you know, thank you for trying to help me but no. And so he eventually was forced his you know, his hands were tied. And he had to fire me. And he said, you know, this is the most painful thing that he'd had to do. And the hardest thing for him to do, because he was very concerned for my safety and my well being and was deathly afraid that the next call he would get is that I was found in a dumpster somewhere with the condition that I was in and drug habit that I had, I was not looking too hot, I would go to other clubs. And I would work for a little while, but I just I couldn't do it. I couldn't make all my rent because we have to pay to work there. And so I ended up costing the club's money, because I was just using their space and I wasn't paying them. And eventually they were just I burnt my bridges. The club that I was working at where the manager cared about me, that was the only family that I had, or a sense of community and family that I had the only place where I had security, love and belonging and kind of the essential things that we need as a human. So I felt more isolated and more alone. And I wasn't connecting with anyone and I was just in such a depression. And all I wanted was to be okay to belong somewhere. I had an extreme drug addiction that showed up. I mean, you could visibly tell I was on drugs. And it was an attractive. I don't think that anyone just goes into that industry because they're like, today seems like a good day to be a stripper. No one just wakes up one morning, you know in their normal everyday life. There's things in life circumstances that kind of wear you down. So if you're at a river, right and there's tons of stones rocks in the river, you can just pick up any rock and throw it in the river and see it skip. You have to have a skipping stone and we know that a skipping stone is smooth and it's flat and it's been a formed into this perfect stone in order to skip. That smoothing happens when the water rushes over it over and over, over and over until it's finally smooth down to form of perfect skipping is just like us. There's certain things in our life that have the potential to smooth this down and make us into a perfect skipping rock, ripe for grooming and recruiting into the sex industry.

Rex Hohlbein 50:39

On the next episode, part three of the skipping rock, KC exhausts her options for making the fast money she had been accustomed to no longer welcome to dance at the strip clubs with little options available, she turns to the streets, it's pretty

Casey 50:54

sad when not even the strip club will hire you. And so next I went to the streets and I struggled to survive work with the track, posted on Backpage and lived homeless out of a tent.

Rex Hohlbein 51:11

Part three of this episode will be available soon in your podcast feed. For this three part episode, we would like to try something new with all of you. Yes, you the listeners. I'll be having a follow up conversation with Casey, a extra episode to discuss questions from the audience. If you were moved by Casey sharing, please let us know. If you have opinions. Please share them with us. And if you have questions, please ask them. You can reach out to us via the episode page on our website, you know me now.com or on our eunomia now Facebook or Instagram pages as it

Blondie 51:53

became from somewhere and you know that you're surprised when you saw the N and found EO N before you enjoy the film you're in because you're out there. That's a lie,

Rex Hohlbein 52:14

you know me now is produced, written and edited by Tomasz Biernacki. And me Rex Holbein. We would like to give a heartfelt thanks to Casey for taking the time to courageously speak with us and share so very openly and beautifully.

Blondie 52:32

By ask you but June now

Rex Hohlbein 52:36

the song you're hearing now is performed by Blondie who we recorded in the Fremont neighborhood

Blondie 52:44

our just think of that

Rex Hohlbein 52:49

you can see a video of his artist spotlight on our website that you know me now.com

Blondie 52:58

So I asked you Do you know a lot I mean I am the only one seeing all this I have the own nail on taking in all of this.

Rex Hohlbein 53:17

You know me now has a Facebook and Instagram page where you can connect with us and come closer to stories like you heard today. Thanks as always for listening to say that the chef dang calm it I'm surprised