Rex Hohlbein 0:01

This podcast contains potentially sensitive topics including strong language to drug abuse, and other conditions of human suffering. Listener discretion is advised. I'm Rex Holbein and welcome to you Nomi. Now a podcast conversation that strives to amplify the unheard voices in our community. For the past 12 years, I have met and spent a great deal of time with 1000s of folks living homeless, countless life changing for me conversations, and friendships are gained. Through those experiences, I learned how destructive and baseless the dehumanizing effects of the negative stereotype are against ordinary people who are just like you and me. I want to remind all of our listeners, that the folks who share here do so with a great deal of vulnerability and courage. They share a common hope that by giving all of us a window into their world, they're opening an increased level of awareness, understanding and connection within our community. In a world that is evermore complex, our relationship to it is increasingly being simplified. We're living in an age of information overload, there is not enough time to consume, verify, digest and form an opinion on everything being presented. So we take shortcuts. In the rush of daily life, it's easy to dive less deep so that we can cover more area hoping to know a little about a lot. sound bites, and stereotypes work their way into our understanding and beliefs of the world around us. The shortcuts have a big downside, without a genuine understanding of an issue, one that includes differing views, we're susceptible to the polarization, and, quite frankly, dehumanization that occurs within the us versus them mentality. Taking time to understand the complexity of an issue, the gray areas, the sticking points between opposing views, isn't a battle for winning, but rather an opportunity for understanding. To be on this journey of understanding. We need to listen specifically to those with lived experiences around the issue being discussed. Today, we're going to hear about drug addiction. As vast and complex as this topic is, chances are you already have strong opinions based on past experiences. Perhaps you've had a bicycle stolen, and you're sure it was taken by someone addicted, looking to sell it for their next fix. You negatively refer to that unknown person. As a junkie, it becomes your opinion of the drug issue. Perhaps your sister overdosed and died. As a result, your parents couldn't find a way to emotionally support each other. So they divorced. The grief was too great. And because of it, you're angry at anyone who takes drugs. Or perhaps you're addicted yourself, and have burned every relationship you've ever had, including those in your family. You feel lonely and isolated. You believe nobody cares. Every person that has been touched by drug addiction, either personally or through a friendship. A close friend, or even a brief encounter has strong visceral feelings about this issue. feelings that are accompanied with endless questions, most of which are difficult, emotional, and often unanswered. To find the answers, we need to get past the sound bites and stereotypes. We all need to dive deeper. In this episode, we're going to hear from the Miller family. The Millers live on Lopez Island, a beautiful sleepy and idyllic place located in the San Juan Islands in the northwest corner of Washington State. To get there you have to take a ferry. One of the endearing customers on the island is that every car driver I mean every single car driver when passing another driver in the opposite direction, waves to each other. That should be enough to give you an idea of how quaint the places As Connells parents, Steve and Mary had graciously invited me over Connells older sisters, Brady and Katie, who have their own families and live on Lopez Island also came over to share in the discussion. Before we listened to the Millers. Let me first tell you how I met Connell Miller. It was in the fall of 2018. I was visiting folks living in tents along the Ship Canal in the Fremont neighborhood in Seattle. When I arrived at dock and Aaron's usual spot by the water's edge, standing outside of the tent, I asked out loud if they were home. At first, there was nothing, no reply. A few moments later, I heard a rustle and then the tent flap unzipped. A young man poked his head out and politely told me that Doc and Aaron had left earlier. He offered to tell them that I had stopped by and he said his name was Connell. My first thought was, how very young he looked. Despite the sores on his face from doing drugs, I had this immediate feeling that he wasn't supposed to be out here. Not that anyone is supposed to be out, living homeless, addicted to drugs, but there was this easily felt innocence to him. We talked for a good while and struck up an almost immediate connection. We traded phone numbers and promised to get together again sometime soon. To start things off. I asked Donald to tell me a bit about his childhood.

Conall 6:39

My parents are awesome. You know, I grew up in the church, we had a home church. You know, my dad's pastor, a lot of the pastor's kids I've known and a lot of the, you know, the congregation, families and stuff. I've heard a lot of like horror stories or you know, just growing up with tons of, you know, really controlling environment. And my situation was the opposite. My mom likes to say, we were free range children. I grew up camping, I was homeschooled. I had two older sisters. I was the youngest by far my parents had me at 43 and 46. And so my sisters were eight and 10 years older than me. I loved fishing. By the time I was I think was six or seven, my sisters were going to punk shows and indie shows in Seattle. And so they from probably six or seven to 12 or 13. They took me to shows in Seattle all the time I was around all their friends. So yeah, it was a really solid upbringing.

Rex Hohlbein 7:40

Several weeks ago, I met with the Millers at their small home on Lopez Island, I asked Mary and Steve to share some insight into Connells early years,

Mary 7:51

I ended up as actually a barren woman. They told me I could never have children. From the time we got married, I wanted to baby. It was 11 years until my first child was born. And I wanted one every month that I was disappointed every month. And after when I was 31, I had our first daughter, which was a miracle, no chance this was ever going to happen. And then surprise two years later, another little girl, and they were so wanted. And we had had so much time to think about how in the heck we're gonna raise these kids that we were really intentional. And we had, we had had 25 foster kids, and had raised them and made mistakes and learned a lot. Since they were both such amazing miracles. We never expected it to happen again. But 10 years later, guess what happened? We had another surprise. He was a delight. He was a boy. When Connell on I was praying with Connell they had ultrasounds and they asked if I wanted to know when we found out he was a boy. And we were over the moon I remember I went to where Steve works. And he didn't know he his surprise was so huge. He started crying. He's going to have a baby boy. And boy, he was he was wanted and he was a delight. And he was smart. And he he was everything that we could have wanted. Having had 25 foster kids and two little girls that were 10 and eight, we really felt like there was nothing that was going to come up that we weren't prepared to handle. I remember somebody said what if you have one of those kinds of kids? And I said

Steve 9:39

no problem. So he grew up. He grew up in a home that was that Mary talked about was we were active really active. She more than me I was working because one of the deals we made early on and I know this is gonna sound crazy to you a little bit but it actually works. I would work I would provide the roof close moral support emotionally forte love, Mary would not go out. Some people have to have to have two incomes. But we are able to make it was one. We weren't, we didn't live fancy about a nice home and all that. And she was there. So that's why the house was so active because she's she's really an active person and loves to be around people. Probably, I would say an average of three nights a week of his growing years. We were constantly people that are home. The kids grew up around that atmosphere, you know, constantly, why do we think the way we think, what direction am I going? And why? Why did they make this decision concerning this. And we're, we're counseling with, with almost always adults, couples that are having difficulties in their in their marriage. We're kind of fat, dumb and happy because the girls were just a piece of cake. So what we had planned was we it's called parenting on purpose. We had a plant, we had decided that what we're doing now what we do and Bridey and Katie is not working with call. So what we came down to was, was less provide a large enough corral that he's got room to roam. He was given a big enough area where we have guards that he didn't know about out far enough. And in that just just physical space, he had freedom of our neighborhood. But our neighborhood was a little bit different than is not wasn't like a city neighborhood. There was fish, there was woods, there's deer, he fish. Anywhere there was water, any caught fish, which is familiar with my childhood, were actually we were more free range. I did when he was a kid, I did the same stuff when I was a kid. So I'd see him out catch on lizards, or snakes or fishing or those things exploring. And it reminded me so much my own child, it's the same I mean, it's your sketch snakes together.

Mary 11:51

Of the two girls, Brady and Katie were so easy to raise, I thought it was our parenting and our experience. I didn't realize that some kids naturally want to be parented and want want to do what makes other people happy. And C for some, there is an obstructionist in them that no matter what you try, they're gonna find a way around it. You can imagine with all of our experience, how many kinds of things we tried to make his life better. And it was an uphill battle. So one time, we were building a garage, and we were outside, and Connell was out with us. And he decided he wasn't going to do whatever it was that I wanted. And so I reached over and gave him a little encouragement on the bottom. And he decided that that that I was wrong that that wasn't going to happen. And he fell down on the ground in the dust and the dirt. And he was crying and fighting. And I was trying to figure out how to handle this little thing that was happening. And I finally got him picked up and took him in the house and put them in the bathtub because he was just beside himself. And I think Steve had to come in. And afterwards, Steve was drying him off and hold the heat calm down. He looked at me like there is no way you're gonna win this battle. No way. And Steve cleaned them up and dry them off. And he said, I said look at this doesn't work. This is not good this. This, you didn't win? And he said, Oh, yes, I did. You had to come in.

Rex Hohlbein 13:30

As the years went on, Connell was having a harder and harder time. He knew he had this great family. He saw them doing well being happy and flourishing. All the while, he was feeling more and more like he was on the outside of it, like the black sheep. Perhaps it was undiagnosed depression, or a rebellion phase. But the short of it was he was having a hard time feeling like he fit in. So

Conall 14:00

a lot of it was like I was starting to go through my my like rebellion phase, but I didn't have anything to rebel against. And so because I mean my folks were awesome. So I was starting to wish that they were terrible parents or that I had a reason because I had all this angst and stuff. I started like hating myself or or I don't know, it was I think there's like hereditary depression in the family. I mean, I know there is and so all around that time all that started and I was like emo and it was like when I was 15 started believing the negative thoughts.

Rex Hohlbein 14:40

During this time. One of Connells friends offered him some weed. On numerous occasions. He turned it down until one day he caved. It was a pivotal moment for Connell. Almost immediately, he felt relief from the stress he carried constantly. He found that the weed helped him With his teenage angst, which included his schoolwork, in general, it gave him a certain confidence to, to just be himself.

Conall 15:09

One of the times I just, you know, I always I felt miserable, miserable out about, like, my schoolwork I couldn't, couldn't do math very well. And like, I, I was just, like, miserable with that and like, hating myself and I was like feeling like if I'm gonna be miserable, anyways, you know, because I had a huge conviction not to do it. And, and I kind of just started like, pushing that conviction away. And, and then I like the first time I smoked weed, like it, just all of that went away, you know? And so, and really quickly, it became like, if, if, you know, if weed feels this good, like, what can you know, how does this feel? Or how does that feel? And as I was still, you know, as I was smoking and, and partying and stuff, like, I still have this major like pangs of like conviction, like, I don't know if it was God, or if it was just my, you know, like, my inner selves, like saying, like, what are you doing? Do don't do this, you know, better, you know, better. And I would like, I felt like I would like physically, like, push it down. It was like full blown after that. I think. By the time I was 17, I was starting to do coke all the time. And then oxycontin after I stopped getting that conviction and stuff, it was just like a yard sale. Like everything went. Connell was

Rex Hohlbein 16:25

beginning to separate emotionally, living two lives. For the most part, this disconnect remain hidden from the family. Well, most of the family, his oldest sister Brighty, was on to him. She had noticed early on how Connell was able to manipulate their parents. I

Bridie 16:44

knew right away that he was expert, a long con. Like from the time he was 18 months. And so I was on him about the long con because I could read his mind about it, man I just knew. And nobody else believed me or knew, Katie, mom and dad, none of them believed that Connell was an expert at long con. And I was like you're doing the thing. And when it was just him and I and

Rex Hohlbein 17:06

long con is basically just he had a long game that he was playing oh,

Bridie 17:10

about everything all the time. And he would think, you know, something like, I don't want to do chores, or I want to go to a friend's house or whatever he would think and he wouldn't even know what the end game was. He'd be like, I'm just going to set this up. So whatever the end game ends up being, I'm ready for it, you know? And he just told me all through the years, you're the only one who sees it. Are you telling without them listening? So when he started using, I knew, I just knew and I was like you're doing the thing. And what I didn't realize is his long con had gotten exacerbated by drugs. And he had gotten cruel to me behind my back. I knew what was going on. And I would confront him with it. But because of the drugs, he had gotten cruel, and he knew he knew I was I was his weakness because I knew the truth. He was

Rex Hohlbein 17:58

you were onto him. And

Bridie 18:00

I was getting taught to kindly and gently by my mom and sister about maybe having a hard heart towards coronal or maybe not seeing him for giving him the benefit of the doubt. And I think for me, it really came to a head when he stole my cell phone and I knew he'd stolen my cell phone and I told mom and dad, he stole my cell phone. I said there's no way he did that. And he but dialed our my parents home phone from the caller ID of my cell phone and then talk to his friends laughing about how he'd stolen my cell phone and nobody was going to believe me busted. Right? So that's when I was like, Okay, finally retribution. They're gonna get it, they're gonna see they're gonna understand. And during this whole time, Connell was saying I was confronting him like, are you what's going on? Are you and he was like, I don't know why I do it. I'm so sorry. So with my mom and dad, he told him it was a joke. And they believed him. And I was like, oh, even mature, kind, intelligent people can fall into the trap of denial and enabling. So that was a rough few years. And I wasn't mad at Connell. I never got mad at Connell. I was always trying to figure out how to bring those two sides together. The the intelligent boy that I could get to talk to me in reality, and then the long con kid who had so many lies out there. There was no way to there. He didn't feel I can tell you can tell by his eyes. He didn't feel like there was a there was a way out. And every relationship started dying. And he got more and more trapped. And when everybody finally realized that he was an addict. I wasn't horrified or surprised I'd already known. I

Rex Hohlbein 19:45

asked Connell about this duality, about how on one hand he had this solid family unit, people who loved him and believed in him and on the other hand, he was rebelling and undermining his relationships, while spiraling and deeper into drug use, growing

Conall 20:02

up with my, my family around me, and they were so happy and so great. And everything was really, I think, if felt like it came really easy for him like both my sisters, I mean, not easy for him, like they got handed anything but like just joy and, you know, going through life with things working out internally. Like I saw that. And I didn't feel like I had that like, and they were, they were so great. And I just felt so bad. So I think that's where that came from is like, I just felt like that I wasn't good, you know, and seeing the people in my life and my family and everything. And, you know, I wanted to be I wanted to feel that way. And I there was times when I did. But yeah, it was I you know, it was kind of like, I didn't realize it. I mean, I didn't see you like this at the time, but I felt like, like the black sheep, I started to believe that big time, you know, hating myself and and I think what a lot of times people will do when they feel that way is they want to abuse themselves or they want to you know, find something that like, you know, they can beat themselves up with and that's that's where I started really get, you know, get into drug use and stuff.

Mary 21:16

I thought he was an extrovert. He was so personable and happy people loved him, shared all his toys. Everything happened at our house. We had church in our house, we had choir at our house, we had piano lessons at our house, everybody came to our house. And he was well loved by the kids. The parents kind of looked at him like, they thought maybe we weren't parenting him enough. But we really felt like we had tried everything we knew to do. And the best thing was to give him as much freedom as we could within parameters. And we kept thinking it was going to be okay. His sisters loved him and his friends loved him. And he knew he was loved. And he was well loved.

Conall 22:01

I mean, I remember, I was I had been smoking weed and stuff and think I was like 16. And I started calling people I knew asking for heroin. And I'd never even I mean, I just barely done pills. And like, my friends at the time, even though they were getting high and stuff. They were like, What are you doing coronal like Don't? Don't do heroin, man. You're six, like, are you crazy? Like, like, I had friends that were that were definitely living crazy lifestyle and did coke and stuff like had given me an intervention, because they knew I was looking for heroin. And they mean they weren't like, that

Unknown Speaker 22:35

was too far. Yeah, totally. And so

Conall 22:40

it was just, I definitely went. I was trying to do do my due myself the worst, I guess. I mean, it was just, you know, it was like the two halves of me, knowing I was doing the wrong thing and knowing I deserve better, and I want better. But then there was the well, you know, the other half of me that was just, there's a analogy or a story that conveys meaning. It's about, like, there's two to two dogs, you know, a good dog and a bad dog. And whichever one you feed more is gonna get stronger. And so it was another saying I like is small foxes spoil the vine. And it was so you just the little things you let yourself get away with eventually lead to big things. And our you know, they eventually take over. And so it was just a process of chipping away, you know me chipping away at myself. Yeah. So it was definitely it didn't happen overnight. It was a it was a process over is quite a few years.

Speaker 1 23:39

Do you think that if you didn't feel like the black sheep, or didn't feel envious, or, you know, of wanting that joy that you saw in your other family members, that you would have gone down the drug path? Do you think? Do you think that is? Is that putting the finger on it in some way for you?

Conall 24:01

Um, yeah, I think that I think that I wouldn't have been seeking people on the other side of it. I mean, because I had to go and find those kinds of people. You know, I like I said, you know, that that we're using and stuff and so yeah, I don't think I would have I would have gotten there. But, you know, who knows?

Mary 24:29

I have thought about things that we've done wrong all this time, and tried to say, Okay, I don't hate myself for it. But if we could do it again, or if somebody else was going to do it, what would I do different? And one of the things is maybe if he was in grade school, the teachers would have seen something and would have recommended some kind of diagnosis or treatment or something as opposed to homeschooling as opposed to homeschooling. Yeah. So that's one of the things that I Wonder No, we really felt like there was a place for everybody and that most people get put into a box if they go to school, and that he would definitely probably be put in a box and his best place was outside. Like, Connell said free ranging, it

Speaker 1 25:16

sounds like that you both loves Connell and your children. And, and you were figuring it out. Like all parents have to figure it out. Right? You know, like I remember back when we went, you know, brought our first daughter home, and you leave the hospital and you put them in the in the car seat and you drive away and your overwhelming feeling is we know nothing, and they're letting us leave with this little human. You know, it's kinda like, what, something feels wrong about this. But you know, you make do you learn, you learn by by doing. And I think what I'm hearing from you is you raised Connell with love and a desire to parent.

Mary 26:00

We accepted Him the way He was more than anyone else. The other parents thought we needed to discipline him. And we had tried discipline at an early age and it was it. It didn't work. So we we were trying to make it work with what we had. And maybe we made a mistake that way. But you look at what you did wrong after at this point, and forgive yourself. Because we all make terrible mistakes. Like you said, you brought that baby home, you shouldn't have been left with that baby. You didn't know what you were doing. And we make mistakes and every parent that I know that's been where I am. struggles with did were we tough enough? Did we use tough love? Did or were we too accommodating? Did we spoil them? I mean, you just you do it all when you have you can second guess everything. And then and then you have to come to a point where Well it happened and I'm not gonna I'm not gonna stay there because that's not healthy.

Rex Hohlbein 27:01

As the years went on, Connell continued to experiment with heavier and heavier drugs. His relationship with His family was deteriorating further and further, faster and faster.

Conall 27:12

There was a group of friends I'd hang out with and I think I tried ecstasy was like the next thing I tried. And then mushrooms not long after that, um, and so I just did like party drugs like that. And I went through like a hallucinogens, phase and acid. And after, after that, I stopped, I stopped struggling with the self loathing and stuff so much like having a ton of fun partying and and get like the people, you know, the friends I was hanging out with, were they weren't messed up people, they were just getting into having fun and getting high too. And for a while, like, during using hallucinogens, I was having a lot of epiphanies about stuff. And I feel like it at times, it was really helping me, you know, have self realizations and connect with people. And that wasn't always bad. And I was still live with my parents at this time. I mean, I think I got kicked out, I think two or three times, but I, you know, would be gone for a couple months. And I come back

Rex Hohlbein 28:08

kicked out by your parents. Yeah. Because they found they know

Conall 28:12

that. Well. I, I always fought with my mom, about homeschooling about just ever since I was really little I was I there was like an age old battle between us. And you know, and we loved each other. Really, I loved my both my parents loved me, and I love them. But like during those rebellion phase and everything, they were really trying the whole time. And I would just fight and fight and fight and you guys were just butting heads. Yeah. I don't know what they could have done different. I don't think there's anything that they could have done to stop. You know, that would have stopped me from, you know, taking the path that I did.

Rex Hohlbein 28:50

I asked Connell about how his addiction progressed, what were the stair steps for moving from one drug to the next? I don't know

Conall 28:57

if it was that linear? I think there were kind of phases. I don't I actually don't know exactly the timeframe that I started, you know, using heavier stuff. I know when I was 17, almost 18, I started hanging out with my friend Danny. And he sold coke. And he was like, not much older than me. And I think I met him through buying ecstasy from a guy Josh and then I started hanging out with them. And I started driving Danny around to sell coke. And he was given to me to drive him and then he went to jail. I dropped him off somewhere really quick. And he he left I think almost a quarter pound of coke in my glove box. And so I started selling it. And I mean, I was like, I wasn't the type to sell coke. You know what I mean? I was still like a teenager. Just a nice, you know, using but just a nice kid you know? So I He's going to bring the money to his dealers house. And then I just, that's, I think that's where I started using Oxycontin.

Speaker 1 30:08

When you when you crossed over to actually going back and bringing money from selling coke to the drug dealer, that feels like a moment, like that feels like a moment like, we're the little voice inside we say, Oh, this just went up a notch. Yeah.

Rex Hohlbein 30:25

Yeah, definitely. Do you remember? Did you have a conversation with yourself? Or did it just was it all just part of the same? Just one day to the next? It

Conall 30:33

was? Yeah, it was. I mean, because I'd been driving Danny around for a while. And I guess the addiction voice had really taken over because I was like, Oh, if I can, you know, you know, Danny went to jail, I have my go sell this. No, I can get in with the dealer and be closer to the, you know, that the stuff and I guess it was kind of I don't want to like mean, want to bring race into it. But I felt kind of like, I'm just this little white kid hanging out with these, you know, Italian and native and black drug dealers that I mean, they were pretty badass dudes like, not me, not like badass, like cool. But like, there were there were some badass it is, you know that. And they all accepted me. And so I felt like, you know, I was in with the badass could cool crowd and you know, therefore

Rex Hohlbein 31:19

you were badass. Yeah. One of the many statements parents share is that they didn't know their child had gotten into drugs. They had completely missed it until the addiction was in full swing. I asked Mary when she figured out the Connell was using drugs. I can't believe

Mary 31:36

it since Steve and I also had gone through rehab in 72. I can't believe that we missed it. But we did. And it wasn't until his burn when the house caught on fire. And he was put into Harbor View. It was all in front of me. And I should have seen it. But no, it's not until the nurse accidentally let it slip that he was a junkie. I mean, it was devastating.

Rex Hohlbein 32:10

I asked Connell, if he could share the memory of that moment.

Conall 32:14

It was right after my birthday. I was living at my parents house. They had a garage that we turned into a little apartment for me. I was I was renting that from them. And I was using in there and he was having a friend stay there that he didn't he just smoked weed he didn't use you know, he knew I was using and stuff and he didn't like it. But um, we were making dinner one night. We were we had like chicken nuggets or chicken strips and fries or something. And he wanted to do it in the oven. And I said no, we used we deep fried it last night, let's just use the oil that's still on the stove. And he said all right, and he starts oil and I take a shower and then go downstairs and smoking weed on the couch with him in my little garage apartment. And then we both look to each other and realize that oil was still hot on the stove. And we ran upstairs and it was a fire from the stove to the ceiling, like raging fire out of this pot. And I take my towel that I had taken a shower with and I tried to throw it over it and I slipped, hit the handle of the pot and poured it down my whole back and arms and legs. 30% of my body got third degree burns. It was a nightmare. Yeah. And my mom and mom and dad were in the bedroom down the hall and they heard the crash and the scream and meat and I jumped up off the floor. And like I whole I mean I have eight skin grafts. It was it was really really, really bad. The thing is, is that the burn like there was so deep and flaming canola oil that most of my nerves got burnt pretty fast except for my hands so my hands hurt so so it felt like they were throbbing like the size of school buses or something. It was it was and so I had like my hands on a little pot of water to like relieve the pain and the ambulance ambulance showed up. And I remember trying to walk down the stairs to my room to get my dope that because I like I didn't want my parents find it in I wanted to I wanted it the hospital like that's like, I'm like a burn victim is still trying to like make sure I have my stuff. So I go to the hospital and I'm there. I've been there for about a month and the burn unit. And they said I healed faster than most people had seen. So I should have been there over a month. And I was so pumped full of opiates. They're like, I mean Dilaudid methadone, fentanyl lollipops for when I got sloughed and so that was pretty crazy. My parents and my parents were there the whole time by my side but um, I had told the paramedics that you know they when they went to put me on a drip in the in the helicopter, so I got airlifted to Harborview they solid track marks My husband, and I had been wearing long sleeves all the time. So my family wouldn't see it. And he's like, what's this? And I told him, I'm, you know, I'm a heroin addict. And so that was on my, my file at the hospital. And so the doctors assumed that my family knew. And, you know, to kind of divulge that, I was a heroin addict. And they did, they had no idea. I had been living with them. And just, and so they clean my room out and I had like needles stash. And I mean, in cuffs and under the TV and everywhere throughout the room. And so that's, like, right, about two days before I was going to be discharged, I got an intervention for the whole family. And they hadn't they had known for a week or two or something that well, while they were with me in the hospital, but they didn't say anything. And so it was really Blindside. Like, I thought I was still good to go. They didn't know. But um, the, you know, my covers were pulled.

Mary 36:03

We had a foster granddaughter who had done interventions and had also been intervened. And we asked her, and in our mind, she was a part of the family and Connells mind, he hardly knew her. So we asked her about it, and she came you know, it's a big deal to leave the island and to go into the Harbor View and sit around and we asked Connell to come in and, and honestly, it the powerlessness is the overwhelming feeling you You named it to sit there. And he, you could tell he was as closed as a brick wall, he was not going to open. And each of us said something. His brother in law's his sister's, me and his granddaughter and, and I've tried everything we knew to appeal to his heart. And it was just just solid wall of nothing. And he finally said, okay, yeah, okay, I'll do it. I'll do it. But we, we didn't expect them to really. And but we were on pins and needles waiting to find out. And when he we called the next day, he was gone. He had checked himself out.

Rex Hohlbein 37:20

interventions are really hard to do. emotionally exhausting for everyone involved. I can speak from experience because our family did one for my father in regards to alcohol. And I can tell you that often families pour love into someone experiencing addiction. Well, not knowing if they are felt or heard. I asked Connell, if during the intervention, he was hearing his family, or if he was completely closed down.

Conall 37:50

Um, I, I was completely closed down. I mean, I think it was, it was a major pride pride thing. Like not, not like, like, negate the negative pride. Like, I felt embarrassed. And I felt just completely, like naked, you know, like, that side of me was angry. They gave me the intervention and and they said, you know, there's an ultimatum, you know, you need to check into your long inpatient program and start trying to get better. And I was I was really, like, just closed the hole. You know, in more like, internally, I was closed the hole and just angry the whole intervention.

Rex Hohlbein 38:34

Not necessarily angry at them, but angry that you had been found. Exactly,

Conall 38:37

yeah, they were doing the right thing. Totally the right thing. They loved me to death, you know, and they, I mean, they told me people who do this die, jails death or institutions, you know, like, I mean, I know that they love me. And I know, then they were and they were expressing that, like, they were saying, like, we love you so much. We were sorry that, you know, you've gotten to this point where you feel like you need to do this to yourself. And, you know, we don't know what we did wrong, and we want to help you. I think it was, I was just doing whatever I could to protect my drug use, you know what I mean? And so I told him, I told him, yeah, I'll do the treatment. Totally, you know, Sign me up. And then I checked out the day before I was supposed to do it, and then just goes to them. I know that I would say yes, I felt it. But I was I was like deflecting that because, you know, to to give into it and to accept it. That would trigger me saying yes, and actually going to treatment and my drug side was like foreign fighter flight. You know what I mean? You know, sometimes I guess people just aren't ready. That was 2010 Beginning October, midway through October 2010. And I left and I stayed at a friend's house a little bit and you know, we You're too because I had the prescription from the hospital. So while I was sharing that with them and trying to take care of my burn wounds, and yeah, it was crazy. I mean, it was the pain during the healing was worse than the pain when it happened.

Rex Hohlbein 40:17

Connell left the hospital and was staying with a friend. He had no real plans. His addiction at this point was in complete control, meaning he was completely out of control.

Conall 40:29

So the friends I was staying at, he had like a little like a bedroom made in a kind of shed outbuilding kind of thing. Me and another person had gone and got some heroin, and I had lost my part of it. And so I found what I thought was the heroin. And I put it in a spoon and started to cook it up. And I think it was like, a piece of Taco Bell meat. No, I was just so desperate. I was like, is this it? And I picked it up and I, you know, was going to like, see if it cooked in the spoon. I don't even want I didn't just taste it because you can tell. And I was like, I think this is it. And his mom walks in and sees me and so she's like, what, what are you doing? And you know, it's obvious. And it's funny because I wasn't even I don't even think it was drugs at all. But I got kicked out. And for Taco Bell me. Yeah. So ridiculous. And I was an idiot. That afternoon I got dropped off in downtown Marysville State Street by someone and I didn't know anybody around there. And I just started walking and I was like, I had run out of my pills. And I was, so I was dope sick. I was still in pain from the burn. You know, the skin grafts and everything. And I'm like limping. At like the slowest you could walk. Like I was like a zombie going down State Street. And I think I remember I knew I had a friend who lived with his mom, and his mom's boyfriend and they were all tweakers. And I sat in front of their house until I saw Brad show up. And then I hung out there for a while. And I basically was just on the street.

Rex Hohlbein 42:05

Connell got his car back from his parents and transferred the registration to his name, and started to use it as housing in and around Marysville

Conall 42:14

got $27,000 in tickets in my in that car living in my car with no insurance, no tabs, suspended license, and they I was always really respectful to police when I get pulled over. So they would they would give they would take me out of the car, do a field booking which is read you your rights and then let you go with a ticket and and then just say, we're going to leave you know what I'd be like, What do I do about my car and they just say we're just going to leave. We don't care what you know, don't drive it. I eventually had to take my like my something wrong with my oil filter, I had to change but I had all these tickets and I was kept on getting in trouble. And so I took my car to pull apart and sold it for like 500 bucks, probably would have ran for another 100,000 miles but I just I was going to keep on getting in trouble if I didn't get rid of it. So I sold it and then the next day had my first major overdose. You know, I would have been completely blue and my friend was giving me CPR for 15 minutes. Not and I wasn't responding, but he did it the whole time. And then ambulance got there and they Narcan me and I came back and my friend's mom was like screaming like crying like that because they thought I had died. I was I had to be carried down the they had switched back stairs up into his like loft room. I was I woke up being carried on a body bag because a gurney couldn't get me down the switchback stairs. While

Rex Hohlbein 43:41

Connell was lost in his journey of addiction. His family was also on a journey, working through the complex emotions felt by those close to the addict. They were searching for understanding, insights, direction, and mostly acceptance for what was taking place within their family. I asked for it and Katie to share with us what this journey looks like for them.

Katie 44:04

My family and I would joke because when I would see somebody who was what I would call old school, homeless, like clearly a Vietnam vet or it would warm my heart like oh, yeah, there is a real homeless person. And then when I'd see young people who are clearly in addiction, I would just get so frustrated, like you probably have a place to go you probably have people that love you. You just have to make the decision. But since he's been home and I've worked through some of that anger, I It wasn't conscious, it wasn't a choice to work through it. But I have such a tender spot now for anybody I see who's on the streets. And you know, we've we've been able to interact me and the kids have been able to interact with people that are on the streets. And there has been a complete transformation inside me about it. And I would Don't say that I have opinions or an action plan or what I think they should do. I just hope that they can make a choice within within themselves and know that they do have a choice.

Bridie 45:14

I don't really have the pity gene. So for me, when I think of people in addiction, or people that are homeless, which are two in my head, two different groups, I think there's as many people in nice houses with nice cars addicted to pain pills than there are. People addicted to street drugs, actually blame people who are addicted to pain pills in nice houses for the people that are addicted to street drugs. A few years ago, there was a bunch of overdoses in the San Juan, which nobody knew even had heroin in the San Juan, they were so blind. So there was a fentanyl heroin mix that was killing people as soon as the needle gonna touch their arm. So there was a town hall meeting, one of Lopes loved, young man died. So people lost their minds had a town meeting, the police were there, the sheriff was there, the drug rehab group was there. And people were all blaming whatever blaming racial groups blaming certain people, let's find out who they are, let's get their names. Let's get them off the island. And I was so overcome with disgust that I stood up and said, all of you that have not counted your oxycodone, all of you who keep getting refills that don't need them. Who'd have no idea that your grandkids are in your cabinets, all of you who don't look at your kids backpacks, this is your fault. You know, that's my overwhelming feeling about addiction is that it's the fault of maybe pharmaceutical companies, but we I can't hold them responsible. I'm not a person in that role. But I can I myself can be careful of pain, pill addiction, and count the pills. I do have. So the addiction thing, especially for Connells generation and younger. They I believe they were damaged, they were hurt. They were wounded unfairly by the culture. Big Pharma. Yes. 100%. So I do believe they're they are victims, even though I don't have pity for people. I do feel like in a lot of situations, there's, there's ways and places to get help. But I want to say that with a caveat that I live on Lopez, I don't live in Seattle anymore. I don't I'm not living in the problem. So I do know from watching us go through it with Connell. And we have he could name 100 people right now that he grew up with that loved him that he burned all those bridges. So there aren't people for those, you know, 20 to 35 year olds to go back to they burned their bridges.

Rex Hohlbein 47:42

Connell spent the next year living homeless on the streets of Marysville floating without any real connections. He does remember New Year's Eve 2012. When out of desperation he called Sharon, who was like an adopted sister to him. Sharon was

Conall 47:58

someone I'd call while I was out there, she'd come and brought me blankets a couple times. And it was I was sleeping outside. I had no blanket. It was freezing. It had rained and it was soaking wet. And I was completely sick. And I was just rock bottom. I mean, it was winter, you know, slept on concrete, at Safeway. And I finally I finally broke down and said I'm ready to do something. They took me to the Union Gospel Mission. Seattle, downtown Seattle, the one you know, the one on

Rex Hohlbein 48:33

on second Pioneer Square.

Conall 48:35

It's a pretty rough area and Pioneer Square. It was there was the soup kitchen down there. And it was a line around the building of people who had been out there a little bit longer than I had. And I mean, it was pretty freaky going in those doors. But I got in there. And I met Peter Hansen, who was the case manager of the intake dorm, like the intake floor where you know, you do your month of blackout there. And there's different phases where after you after a month blackout, you can become an orange badge and you can go with a with a battle buddy. They're called and you can go out and go meetings and go and take around town and you just have to have the battle buddy and you can go go walk around Seattle and have fun and stuff. And I relapsed after a month and a half or so there. And then I was on the COTS downstairs for a month. And then I joined the program. You know, I got back in. I graduated in 2013. And so that year in the in the UGM was amazing. I skated every day we did you know, I programmed. We I worked in the kitchen for a while at the UGM I stayed clean the whole year. And I learned a ton about myself and I and we did a 12 step program in there. I did a meetings and I got back in touch with my family and it was awesome. I you know, I don't if I don't think if I had if I hadn't learned everything I learned in there. I don't think I would have made it.

Rex Hohlbein 49:57

Connell graduated from the program at UGM but was not out of the woods. Far from it. He admits that he should have gone back home to his family like they had begged him. But Connell had met a girl. I shouldn't

Conall 50:11

have had a relationship. It was I needed to focus on my sobriety. And, you know, she asked me to move in with her and her parents. And I just, you know, I did they were in Bellevue, and it was a stupidest decision, I should have gone home to my parents, my parents like I was supposed to, and gotten a job and just kept on doing good, but it just led down to me choosing to relapse choosing, you know, I ignored all the signs of, you know, the pre relapse kind of stuff that like the small foxes, boiler vine stuff, you know, were just letting myself get away with more and more things that are red flags, and it didn't take long for me to start doing heroin again.

Rex Hohlbein 50:47

Soon after Connell got arrested and spent 19 days in jail charges were dropped. And he was led out when the police arrested the real perpetrator of the crime. However, his drug use was once again spiraling out of control. He was able to stay with family friends in Marysville. And while there, he Odede again,

Conall 51:08

it was a really bad overdose. I mean, they had it, they had a new newborn baby. And like he came out of the loop, I was sleeping on the couch, we came out of the living room, and I was like, in my underwear, like Crumped, like with my leg off one way and my arm off the other way and completely unconscious and they took me to the hospital, I woke up in the hospital, like it was really, really bad. So I get taken to Lopes with my family after that. I mean, I immediately started sneaking pills for my parents again. And it was just I went right back into that. And I started fighting with my mom again. And you know, it was about a month of that or so. And then she said, They said my mom said I can't We can't do it anymore. And so I went to orcas where I knew a girl. And I started living with her. And this was in, you know, through then 2014 15 and 16 I was on orcas and I had gotten almost clean, I was on methadone. And I was working and I started to build myself back up. But there was a really good like, year and a half or so of, of us being together and working and I started getting close with my parents again and and then I just kind of right when I was about to get off of the methadone. Like just reading off of that last five milligrams a day. I started using heroin again because I just I couldn't I just couldn't make it. What a beast. Yeah, it's crazy, you know, just keeps coming back up and take take me taking everything and will not take me giving everything to it. You know, it's it's a choice really. I mean, I just didn't have the resolve. I left the island I go and try and get better. I went to Bellingham and I tried I did this suboxone taper program for a week I think or 10 days I guess suboxone makes you sick longer than heroin and and so when I got out I was I got finally got to the AGM and off you know, I didn't have any Suboxone or anything or and I was sick for like two and a half three weeks in the program. Dope Sick I ended up relapsing in there because that sick feeling wouldn't wouldn't go away and when heroin is like 510 days tops and it was just sick for freakin three to three weeks it was crazy. And I really that shows to relapse again and then so that's led me to meeting you was an amine and that was like 2018 or 19 You know, I started learning my way around Queen Anne and Capitol Hill and you know either I'd sometimes I Panhandle sometimes I would don't get high and math and dumpster dive. I mean, I would just you were scattered i and scavenge and yeah. And eventually, because I still I wouldn't even I didn't even like to steal at that point because it was just, it was still that kind of line, but the line got blurrier. And eventually I started boosting. And, you know, I knew people all over I started going to Balor, there was the camps there. And most of it was I'd meet people when I because I travel all around to go steal from stores, you know, target and Fred Myers and everything. And so I'd go to different cities, like there was the Fred Myers and Ballard and that's how I started meeting people there. Like I'd go and get a little bit of dope and a bunch of like, steal a bunch of food and then I'd go and hang out at Aaron docks tent and chill with them for a couple of days.

Speaker 1 54:32

I know when I met you, you were pretty. You were pretty. It seemed like you were pretty low at that point as well. And and one thing I remember you doing that, I thought was beautiful was you asked me to call your mom. Yeah, and just just say hi. And I did and I appreciate that quite a bit because I really enjoyed getting to talk to your mom during that time as well and is that what were your thoughts and feelings during during Add time, you

Conall 55:01

know, I, I really love my parents, they are amazing. And I, during that time on the street, there was lots of long periods of not being in touch, and you know them not knowing if I was alive or dead. You know, there would be times where I would just sit and cry thinking about them, or, you know, I'd have really low points where I would just miss them. And I felt so like, it was such an impossible distance to get back to them, you know, I didn't think that they disowned me, but I felt like, you know, I don't even want to, I wouldn't even want to go back and put them through seeing seeing me or I was just like, the, like the prodigal son, I was just so deep in my, my stuff. And and yeah, but there would be those points where I would just, I would miss them. And I and I know that they love me and they miss me. I either either you have a really, you have a way of getting to people's heart, you know, or you like your ex like you want to know, you know, what is driving? You know what, what's hurting you or what's like you, I think you asked, So what's your situation or something like that? And I I probably just opened right up about it. And I don't know, if I just came out with or you said you know, you raise your family and I remember saying, you know I isolated from them or something along those lines. You know, I don't want to I don't remember if he said what's to stop you from calling him or her You said Is there anything I can do for you. And I said just call my mom. And just I think that I wanted to let her know that I love her and I was alive. But I didn't want to tell her myself, you know, because it hurts too bad.

Rex Hohlbein 56:54

I want to pause for a moment to give emphasis to the fact that each person's story of addiction has its own journey. While there are recovery programs and support systems, there is no such thing as one size fits all. There are no formulaic solutions for the addict to just heal or get better. Nor is there a paint by numbers guidance for family and friends. What works for one person or one family doesn't necessarily mean it will work for the next there are simply too many variables. In the best scenario. It is a process of discovery for everyone learning and adjusting as you go, holding on to hope and leaning into love. For Connell, his journey has been a profound one, both for him and his family. His parents and sisters have been pushed to the edge of emotional exhaustion with worry, guilt and love. I asked them to reflect on how they coped through all the years of Connells addiction.

Unknown Speaker 58:00

Well, I

Mary 58:02

gotta say that, without the spiritual side of things, I would have been totally lost. If I thought that he could die, which he could have many times, and I and there was no other thing than a dead body, then I would have been so heartbroken I couldn't have carried on. But I believe that there's love. And it's more powerful than anything on the earth that we get to see. And It's Supernatural. And I believe that even if Connell died, God loved me so much that he would take care of him. And that was a day by day meditative knowledge that I had that got me through it. And it also helped me sort through the things that I had done that I could say, there would have been a better way if I'd done it differently and not blame myself and not hate myself and have the peace as I would was walking through it for a long time.

Steve 59:09

When we got phone calls at night. Marriage takeout is a little different than mine, although that came down to the same thing that I lived in a fear that the phone calls and become identifying the body is your son. I can do practically nothing. But my boys don't or what's happening in his life. But I'm just gonna have to leave him in God's hands because he's God's child. He's my child also. But there's there's something much bigger going on here than I even understand. When

Mary 59:39

we were sorting through our stuff, every once in a while we would hear from Connell and always it would be I'm so sorry for what I'm putting you through. And after a while we started to say you don't have to apologize to us anymore. You made mistakes. We made mistakes. You don't have to hold any blame As far as we're concerned, we're doing fine. And we love you. And we just want you to make it. And I hope and I think that that somehow freedom enough to start reaching back.

Steve 1:00:13

Well, I went to see him one several years ago on for Christmas and I took him a present. And he was living in a crummy little motel on on Aurora. When I saw him. It's the first time I've seen him for seems like a couple of years. And he was about the size of a twig. When we embrace her, like at a reasonable rate around him twice, it broke my heart. That was probably the hardest part of of it, which was seeing my boy in that condition. And knowing or thinking just about helpless, I'd given up on the fact that that I've done everything I know to do. And I placed him in, in, in my creator's hands, in the sense that, Lord, He's yours. I don't know what to do, I'm willing to do but I don't know what to do. So you know, but that was that was really hard. And as the years went on, and I never lost the fear of getting the phone call. And dad, any Dazzle, listen to this, if you're going through it, man, I feel for you. Because it be it hurts. It's don't fall into the trap of oh, you betrayed me, you've stolen from me, you lied to me. Those things are, are very possibly true. You know, in my case, it was true. Now you don't want to look at it. I didn't want to even believe it. No, my boy wouldn't do that. And then friends who offered unasked for advice. And we got so we're telling them, You got any ideas? Share your ideas. Nobody ever share an idea that we hadn't already tried. Don't allow hate, or the idea of vengeance or you're gonna get it. When you get home or everybody goes through hard times sounds how to inept thing to say, but everybody goes through hard times life's tough lifestyle. And it hurts. But it also is so much joy. And so much goodness can happen. And keep living. I would say keep praying for your child to keep living. Don't dwell in it. It's easy to say those words, a lot of words now but but when we went through it, I think that's exactly what ended up happening. We, his mom and I shared together we talked about it, we cried together, we were afraid together. You know, for those of you have mates that are are with you, you're together and you've got children that are in trouble. Remember, you're a team. Don't blame the wife, wife don't blame the husband, which happens all too often. Be a team build a strong team VRB had one

Conall 1:03:02

the really the kind of crazy thing about how I started feeling like I could face my family was you know, I started I started like, when I when it's still clothes to sell, I started keeping clothes. And I started dressing carrying a toothbrush and trying to get showered. And and I was feeling less and less like a dirty person or like, like, like how the people you know, the people who are going to work on third and pike would walk by and like be like, you know, they kind of I mean, they try to avoid us or me or you know, them. Yeah, exactly. And that's, I mean, I who can blame, you know, and so I stopped viewing myself, like, I think some people viewed me, people that were around me, like my friends that we're using. And in those parts of town, they started mentioning that more like dude, call your changed a lot, man. You're not like you're not the weird tweaker kid, you're like, a couple years ago, you're really carrying yourself differently. And

Rex Hohlbein 1:04:12

what what do you attribute that to? How

Unknown Speaker 1:04:14

did you do? Well,

Conall 1:04:15

I think it was growing to the point where I was honest with myself and I was starting to care about myself more. But I was still in this cycle of of using all the time and supporting the habit, but it was it was inwardly I was changing and growing. You know, I was just turned 30 I feel like it stemmed from me stealing clothes and actually instead of selling them all and wearing the rags that I was wearing is like I started to view myself like I could be better than this. Yeah, that and and the people around me noticing it and people started asking me like why are you even out here dude. And I was I was talking about my family more and they're like, what's their like, dude, if I had a family to go back to man, what's the But what the fuck is wrong with you, man? Like they, you could go back to your family right now. And I'd be like, Well, I don't know if I could go back. But you know, they want me to you, they say they miss me and they care about me and stuff. We don't like a lot like a lot of my friends, they didn't have that, or they lost that, or they, their family was on drugs too. Or they had damaged their family so much that the family had given up. I called my mom and I was just breaking down crying, saying I miss him. And I love him. And I'm, I'm still using, you know, I'm, I've been using this whole time, you know, and then, of course, they knew but you know, it was just me being able to be honest with them within with myself.

Speaker 2 1:05:40

About seems like a really big step. Yeah. And

Conall 1:05:44

I don't know, I mean, it was just like, my, I don't know, my ego had been stripped away my, you know, I was, it was like, there's the rock bottom, like, where you're just people say I was rock bottom I was using harder than ever, but I was like spiritually and mentally and physically. Rock bottom like I there wasn't, I didn't feel like I had anything left to cling to. There was a couple of calls to my mom, that I and my dad that I just wanted to call and say I love them. And I'm miss them. And I'm sorry. Yeah. And then they'd always just say, well, we love you too. And we're glad you're safe. And we want you in our lives. And, you know, some of the calls started there wasn't crying every time it was it was just saying, you know, call and say, you know, I'm okay, I love you guys. Before right before Christmas, I had, I said, Hey, you know, I feel like, I could come in, you know, just say you guys for Christmas. Or I had a friend Jamie who had a job in a car and and I asked her to come to take me to my family's house for Christmas. And I didn't have any. I didn't think past the two days or whatever, a day or two. I picked up a couple of Suboxone. I had like a gram of of heroin or like half gram of heroin or something, which is like, less than a day's worth. And so I went, came to my sister Katie's house and all my, you know, my parents and sisters were there and brother in law's and you know, we had dinner and you know, I was in pretty rough shape. And so Katie talked to my family. And was she I think she said, So you're miserable on the street? And like, yes, very miserable. You know, I'm still using every day, I'm still going to support my habit. I'm on the street. And she said, Okay, so and you'd be miserable, clean, right? And I said, Yeah, I'd be extremely miserable. And she said, Well, why don't you try being miserable here for a little while, you know, instead of being miserable out there and see how it goes? Just try? I didn't I didn't want to assume that. They would just tell me right? It didn't even cross my mind that this would happen. I just wanted to see him. So I just said yes. And a they my parents had a room here actually in the guest bedroom. I think I had like five or six suboxone and Katie my sister took me off Island to a suboxone clinic. And then I just started taking suboxone and I was in bed for a month or month and a half and then I slept all the time for months after that. I think about five months and I was ready to get a job and you know it's been two years now. Well over two years and if I can do it, I think I really think anyone can do it. I was hope to die addict you know it's awesome I mean, I if I don't I don't know if I could have done it if I hadn't had the support or I don't know if I would have had could have had the you know the courage to care about myself if I hadn't been raised by the people I was raised by I mean because I was taught stuff my whole life you know taught really things to live by and to love each other and to protect women and children and everybody and in that includes protecting people from yourself you know what unconditional love is and grace that stuff stayed it didn't go in one year out the other like I retained a lot of that stuff and it's a lot of it stuck with me throughout the time I was on the street you know I I mean I wasn't a saint by any means. I've I've stolen from my friends and I've I've checked car door handles like it was always really against it but I there was times where I you know, I let myself you know steal change out of people's cars. You

Rex Hohlbein 1:09:39

know when I hear you share about you know your your story and about your convictions and the things you were taught and

Speaker 1 1:09:48

and it rings true your anybody that would sit with you for five minutes would know what a good person you are. I mean, it's really easy to see easy to feel actually I felt it when I saw your head pop out of that tent the first time We started talking and like he just have a, an energy or an aura or whatever you want to say whatever your language is that you have a way about you that it's easy to see and feel that you're a good man. It makes me think about how powerful drugs are. To take that down, right? Like to actually to subvert all that and push you into a period of time of what 10 years or?

Conall 1:10:22

Yeah, I mean, are long. Yeah, about 1515?

I mean, I'd say a solid, a solid 13. Of Yeah, with with a couple of breaks.

Rex Hohlbein 1:10:32

And what would you because what it makes reminds me

Speaker 1 1:10:37

again, to not judge, right, like, You're a good man. And you got you got you got sidetracked for 13 years, I think about all the people that are on the street, just all having their own story and struggling with their own journey. I mean, is that an insight that you share, or that you even can expand on because you were there.

Conall 1:10:59

Like, you can't really be a true friend when you're serving yourself in that manner, you know, but there's people that I met out there, I still think about and I still talk to some of them, a lot of a lot of my friends from there have gotten clean, and I've and I've had friends that came from great place, you know, great upbringings that passed away, they use so much either from overdoses or just from, you know, you get you shoot up using dirty needles for so long that your your your blood gets sicker and sicker to the point where you just, you know, your your organs fail. And it is just a really, really strong beast. I'd say it all the time. It takes people from all walks of life, everybody has their own story and that judging coming up with a with like, Oh, they're probably just these malicious monsters that they're not they're not using because they're they have pain they're using because they want, they want to go out and hurt people. It's just so easy to make your own reason, or, you know, there's no way that they could they could have story or struggle are their own feelings are there. I mean, tons of the people out there that I met, are really sweet, sweet hearted people. And probably at least a third of them have passed away. Yeah. There's too many stories like that.

Speaker 1 1:12:27

I always feel like those moments are, we've got it wrong, like, like, the people that are really struggling in the worst of their moments. We tend to shun and almost kick the dog when it's down. And it it seems like it should be the exact opposite, right? Like, rather than push away, pull closer, because they're struggling so much. Right? And that may not always be the answer. But I think when I listened to your story, for instance, knowing that your parents loved you, your sisters love you that that was always there once you were done. Working through your stuff, right? I feel like everybody should have that opportunity. Right? To come back to a love center. Yeah, you know, to help work through it seems like it's closer to the truth if there's a truth in this, because I know it's a very journey for everybody. But it seems like one of the constants is just loving, just accepting and loving and seeing

Conall 1:13:23

it can be hard to love yourself, if no one else shows you that you can be loved if no one else loves you. Like, like, you remind me that I mean that I have a family loved me and that, you know, you you cared about me and and at times where I would just was completely on the side of believing, thinking of myself how other other people would perceive me, you know, believe in the cell flies and stuff. And it can be really hard to get out of that mindset. If you know you don't have someone to remind you.

Rex Hohlbein 1:14:02

Connell knows he's fortunate to be where he is now. Somehow, through all the craziness, he was able to dig deep within himself, along with a great deal of love and support from family and friends, to find a way to free himself from drugs. Being with him, you can hear it in his voice and see it in the way he presents himself. He's not the same struggling kid that popped his head out of the tent four years ago, when we first met. There is now a bright light, strength and humility. To him. That's really beautiful. Being off drugs for well over two years Connells life has moved forward. For over a year. He has been employed as an apprentice plumber. It's like he found his calling. He's got the perfect boss and just loves his job. Every little thing about it, including the tight spots in crawlspaces. He's also back playing drums with two bands and just moved into his own home. maybe most importantly, Carla's back being close with his family, feeling like he fits in no longer a black sheep. Before I left the millers, I wanted to ask for some advice for other families that are struggling right now. One

Katie 1:15:29

thing that I don't know if this is going to be helpful or not to other families, but if there's smoke, or if you think the answer is yes, if they have told you, they're clean, but you have this feeling of like, they're not, well,

Bridie 1:15:47

if you if you're confused, they're lying. If you're confused, they're lying. And that doesn't mean you need to be mad or treat them bad. It's just helps us Yeah, like, wait a minute, this doesn't make you know, if I start feeling confused. Yeah,

Katie 1:15:59

I knew and I knew with a Connell. And I remember telling my husband and maybe telling my parents that all know when he's clean when he stops talking. And it was true. When he came home. And he had made the decision. And there was just not a whole lot of words. And all the times previous to that it was just motormouth telling you all the things, he was doing great. And all the ways he was staying clean and just motor mouthing the whole time. So and it was true. When you came home and you had made that decision. There wasn't a whole lot of talking, it's hard to get you to talk at all.

Bridie 1:16:39

There's things that you're going to find that you can hang on to like, there's this old Bible verse that says, Who are we to make straight what God has made crooked. That idea that everybody has their own road. And there's a purpose. And there's a reason, thing that kept me going was knowing Connell, knowing how kind he was. And knowing that I didn't have what it took to be kind to people that were dirty. I mean, physically dirty. And he did. And he was able to be kind to people that I couldn't. If you're a family member, or you have a loved one that's living on the streets or living with addiction, or has burned their bridges with you for right now. Like, hang on to the good things, you know. And honestly, really, truly, honestly never give up hope. Because of the second, I started to give up hope. The second I thought I just want to see him one more time before he dies. That's when I started building a wall between me and him. Because it was too painful. I do want to say for people, if somebody hasn't said this before, on a podcast, or in a group meeting or something that when somebody is getting clean, let them have as much candy as they want. Yeah, as much Mountain Dew as they want. Let them have as much sleep if they want, it's going to take six months to a year to get their sleeping patterns under control. Do not worry that it's a bad habit that has to be broken, when they're clean when they're not using intravenous drugs. Don't do tough love. When they're not using intravenous drugs anymore. That's when you need to just they're home. They're safe. They're not stealing. They're fine. Because Connell used for a long time and it took his all of his nerve endings and his neurons and his tastebuds it took him a long time for those to get back to normal. And so please don't do like a military clean the room out. Why do you have those candy wrappers in there? Like, just keep on hold on tightly to the fact they're not using? They're not having drug seeking behaviors?

Rex Hohlbein 1:18:55

So eyes on the prize, don't worry about cavities. Yeah, amen.

Katie 1:18:58

Well, because he literally lived on candy for six months. And

Bridie 1:19:01

he played video games all night, you know? And who cares? Yeah.

Mary 1:19:04

Yeah, he slept a lot of the day. And we kept as Mom and Dad, do we start encouraging him to get a job. I kept saying, no, no, no, no. And thank God for that. Because I don't know if we would have known what to do next. Because sleeping all day did not seem like the right thing for him to do. The one thing that I realized that you're hoping there is sort of this package that we could give people and say here's how to do it. But there is no package. You've got to listen to yourself and your own body. And even if that leads to a terrible mistake, like enabling or, or giving them money and then having them get high off of it or an odd thing or something, you're still moving forward. And my my bottom line philosophy is Knowing what Putin is doing, knowing what's going on with COVID, knowing that there's kids that are being trafficked, it's not that I don't know, all of that stuff is in the world. I know it's there. But the only thing I can do is the next good thing. And that's my philosophy. And I was telling that to a person who said, well, then I want to go with you. And I said, okay, but you know what the next good thing is, I'm gonna kiss you goodbye. That's all it is. I'm gonna give you a kiss on the cheek and say goodbye. It's just that simple. With these people that are facing their child on the street, and they know they can't do anything, is there somebody that they can do? The next good thing to? We were held up and supported by our six grandkids that are here on the island and our two daughters. While Colin was hurt, and we couldn't do anything about it. We just did the next good thing was a little more Italian. No one's keeping score. Now we're following

Rex Hohlbein 1:21:07

you know, me now is produced, written and edited by Tomas Vernadsky. And me, Rex Holbein in which we would like to give a heartfelt thanks to Connell and his family, Steve, Mary, Brighty and Katie, for inviting us into their home and for the opportunity to get to know them. The music you're hearing now is pondering distortion. Connell plays the drums, Aaron is on bass and Pauline on guitar and vocals. Connell also plays in the band called All we have is now you know we now has a Facebook page where you can join the conversation and a website at WWW dot you know me now.com Where you can see photos of Connell and his family, as well as read other stories of folks we feel you should get to know. Under the episode page. We included links to Connells to bands, as well as some Pacific Northwest resources for families in similar situations, as well as a few organizations in Seattle, where you can donate or volunteer in our busy lives. Let's not forget to take the time to get off our own path to help someone struggling with theirs.